The Rules

So there are rules for a lot of things in life- share with your friends, treat others as you would like them to treat you, toast ALWAYS drops jelly side down, drivers in the rotary have the right of way (unless you are in Massachusetts- then it’s a free for all and your best bet is closing your eyes and gunning it), and lots of other things that govern pretty much everything we do. I have my own set of rules which have served me pretty well until now.

• Coral is a nail polish color, not a lipstick.
• If you are going to wear red lipstick, it had better be Chanel. Remortgage something if you have to. NON-NEGOTIABLE RULE!
• Don’t even bother dustbusting the pile after you sweep- just flick it under the refrigerator, because NO ONE will ever move it until you sell your house, and then you can be amazed by your slovenly habits.
• If you feel down on yourself, go to the makeup counter and let the lady have free reign, you will either leave feeling fabulous or a little bit like Mimi from the Drew Carey Show, and either result is better than feeling crappy!
• Your mom really does know what you look best in. I don’t dare pick out my own clothes if I want to actually look good. Same with makeup- the best products I EVER got were the ones my mom ran out to get when I was in labor with Mr. M- (I had forgotten my gold eyeshadow and I tend to look quite peaked without it) I got more compliments on my eyeliner in photos than I did on the little bundle of cuteness!
• Shoes really are the answer, especially when you are REALLY pissed off. Try on shoes. LOTS of them. Don’t even buy any unless they are perfection (My endocrinologist is a champ when it comes to anger shopping. She has impeccable taste and always walks out with winners. I do not have such good taste, so now I refrain from buying- case in point, my shoes covered with sequins. Ruby slippers are totally not neutral.)
• If you are tripping a lot, for god’s sake, go buy a new bra. Which really leads us to the most important rule of all- WOMEN DO NOT BUY BRAS IN STORES THAT CATER TO TWENTY YEAR OLDS. Your bra shopping experience should not include a DJ and snippets of satin masquerading as a support system. You’re a woman, not a preteen, no matter what size your boobs are. 

Boobs work hard- and are totally more functional than most bodily extremities. I mean, yeah, there are some leg men out in the world, but let’s face it, boobs bear the brunt of staring. And really, they can do ANYTHING, including providing nourishment, and this astounding thing called breastmilk, which can apparently do everything. It’s kind of like Chuck Norris- it can cure pinkeye, ear infections, and solve world hunger in one fell swoop. These ladies need love.

Now my grandmother was a hoot and a half, and sort of really annoying at times. The tag line always was, “…but we loved her,” which was her saving grace. Ahh, another day, another seven million word blog post. That lady knew how to shop though, and she had boobs. Serious ones that needed a sort of pulley system to remain aloft. I always thought she would make a tremendous masthead for a pirate ship with that rack. Her shoulders bore permanent grooves from the straps and many, many years of schlepping them around. She probably taught my mom, who in turn taught me, that bras need to be fitted, not just bought. And not just from anywhere, but a high end department store. Bonwit Teller, Bendel’s, Saks, Lord & Taylor…you didn’t need to BUY them there but that’s where you went to get fitted. These days, the rule is Nordstrom- those women working there are like the Michaelangelos of mammary tissue! They can make any woman look perky and curvy in just the right places! Unless you REALLY crave that beautiful silver bag (which I do from time to time- it just feels lux in my hands!) you can then go home and buy the bras off of eBay, or whatever online portal floats your boat. Sometimes they even have mine at Marshall’s, which is a major score, one that I would probably post as my status. Or even text other people about. Can't you just see that now? WACOAL AT MARSHALLS!  Go now!