Acceptance

To be happy is probably the desire of most people- and yet, so many struggle with finding their "true happiness". Honestly, I think that's a load of horseshit. If you can't discover the happiness in your life then you need to re-examine what it is that makes you happy. When I was about 13 I started saying "life is fate, yet even fate is what you make of it." Plato, I was not. What I was, however, was an optimistic kiddo. If you have unrealistic expectations of what your life is going to be, then you might be pretty pissed off. However, if you embrace it, you can find peace and true happiness. My kitchen is rarely clean, my kids don't get tubs everyday, and I am certainly not a painter represented in the National Gallery. That's cool. Dreams change. Realities change. The Jones' keep hiring a new goddamn landscaper, so yes, their grass really is greener. You know what? That is a-ok with me. I love my boys. I love my parents. I love my job. I love my friends. My family might not meet the criteria for acceptance into the Nuclear Family 101 symposium, but really, who gives a rat's rear end? My boys are smart, loving, empathetic, creative, and joyous. I am in the process of finding a balance between "me" and "mom-me". That's all I can ask for.

And I am at peace with that, and accept it for what it is- and am truly thankful and happy.

You say it's your birthday?

I am crazy. I know this. I just finished the invites for the boys' joint birthday party in the end of September. I was pretty psyched, as the goody bags, paper goods, menu, cake ordering, and venue were all already done. The only thing left was the invite, and it was the hardest part. Why, you say? Just tell them where to show up and when!!! Well, the gifts held me up. They have so many toys. More toys than I even knew we owned. I know they will get more over the next three months. They just don't need gifts. So do I go with a "your presence is present enough" tagline? If I leave it off, then they get lots and lots of AWESOME gifts, but they certainly don't NEED them. Then there are people that would still give a gift- and then I struck upon an answer. Um, hello, we donate to Peach's Neet Feet as often as we can, why not provide that as an option? Then the "I must not arrive empty handed" folks feel fulfilled, and I feel great that we are doing something to better society. When my Mr. J was in the Med/Surgical ICU last week, there were several other patients rocking their PNF's. I think it's the most awesome cause out there that addresses the day to day needs of pediatric cancer patients, and kids with terminal conditions. So that's our tagline- "In lieu of gifts, we will be making a donation to Peach's Neet Feet- feel free to join us!"

Really, what our world needs isn't kids that look to their birthdays as a time to get stuff, but as a time to appreciate all that they already have.

Food, glorious food...

So when I started this blog, I was thinking it would be more recipes and such since I'm a serious foodie. However, it morphed in something totally different. That's fine and all, but bottom line, I'm a foodie at heart. GOOD food. Not to say I don't love some Cheetos now and again, but I really like homemade, real ingredient food. Like pesto. JB loves my pesto. He literally will eat it with a spoon which is quite a boost to the home chef's ego. The past week my parents have been visiting to help with the boys, and the surgery, and lots of other things. I am more grateful than I can ever put into words. One thing that I CAN describe though, is the feeling I get when I make a meal for people who truly appreciate it (and clean up afterward)! Last night we had caprese towers over bruschetta, and shrimp, pesto, and roasted tomato fettucini. For dessert, watermelon and pineapple with a lime mint honey reduction. Yum. Tasty. I thought it was yummy, of course, but it was made ten times better feeding it to people that liked it! I love to try new marinades, sauces, and recipes, but without a receptive audience, it's kind of lame. My kids still might be chowing on chicken nuggets, but the rest of us are in foodie heaven!!!

Strength

Strength is a good thing- there's the ability to bench press your weight, of course- or carry two kids up several flights of stairs. There is also emotional strength, and that's a far more difficult thing to build up. We get it from so many different places. I hear the term "inner strength" used quite a bit but even that is a product from others. It's from our education, and knowing that we have the intelligence necessary to maneuver the world. It's from our parents, and knowing that we will always be loved, no matter what we do or say. It's from our friends, who are there next to us in the hard times, saying "You are doing the right thing". It's from our children, who believe we walk on water- and the fear of disappointing them. It can be from the universe- from the people we have loved and lost, and from the beliefs they have instilled in us.

It doesn't matter where it comes from- it just matters that we recognize that we, as women, and as mothers, are stronger than anyone could ever imagine- that we have spines of steel and are ready to fight the good fight- for ourselves, and our children.

I want MORE

I just had dinner. It was three pieces of hot dog. OFF THE FLOOR. Granted, they were organic turkey dogs- but I was struck by the realization that I want MORE. I want to not feel guilty sitting down to a peaceful meal...to not feel like these seconds were enough. Just because I am a mother doesn't mean I get relegated to third place (if I only had one kid, second place). Then I got mad. I want MORE. I want to be strong. I want to be tough. I want to be respected. I want to continue to be independent. I want a lot of things. Thus my bucket list was born.

1. Exercise enough so that I can play tennis with my 60+ mother.
2. Do one of those crazy mud filled obstacle course things without worrying what my ass looks like.
3. Have my family eat the same meal each night.
4. Run one mile. Without stopping, and without dying.
5. Hike at least one small portion of the Appalachian Trail with my Sara.
6. Do the Avon Three Day breast cancer walk.
7. Donate to Locks of Love.
8. Go skydiving.
9. Go parasailing.
10. Show my children the Grand Canyon.
11. Be fiscally responsible enough to take the boys on a European vacation, again, with Sara.
12. Spend a (short!) vacation solo at a resort in the Caribbean.
13. Play golf in a manner that is not super embarassing.
14. Take a train cross country with my mom, JB, and the boys.
15. Go to PEI and be like Anne of Green Gables.
16. Catch a baby.
17. Become an EMT.
18. Learn to sail.
19. Rock climb. Just a small wall, but one with actual rocks not day-glow footholds.
20. Be published, in something, on some topic.

There are more, but these are the things that keep coming up!!! Oh, and eat a dinner off a plate!

Raw Part Deux

So it's no surprise that things here are changing. I wasn't going to blog about it, but really, I blog about everything, so why wouldn't I? My hubs and I have separated, and it's a good thing. I feel like a new woman, and a new mama. I have energy, enthusiasm and optimism again. Those are my staples, so be left without them was just NOT. ME. Where it will wind up? Who really knows. The universe gave me so many signs- and then I finally said the hell with it. There is no lower low, so everything from here must be better than that, right? And it has been. Admitting that I was miserable took every ounce of my energy and pride- and yet, was so rejuvenating. You realize who cares. You learn who truly understands you. You discover the true meaning of both family and friendship. You learn that when someone calls you "independent" it truly is a compliment, even if it wasn't meant that way. You can also be scared, and lonely, and torn, but in the long run, you take that first step forward. Forward to a new you- a new life- a new day.

All American Fun

This past week the boys didn't have school, so we headed to Cape Cod (like every other person in Massachusetts- traffic wasn't pretty!) to see Auntie Sara. Sara is an auntie by love, not by blood- one of my oldest friends from the days on the Hill. She's spent the last three years busting her tushie to get her MSW at Boston University. Thankfully, we all survived! The boys and I were so excited to spend time with her being vacationers- relaxed, sand covered, and happy! The week didn't disappoint- it was hot, sunny, and fully sand covered. We went to the parade in Hyannis, and watched the fireworks from First Street Beach. It was bloody hot as all get hot, which made me a touch miserable- but it was worth it. Pictures speak a thousand words, so here!