Yeah, I'm still here. Getting a much better handle on my anxiety which is good because J's pre-surgical anxiety is raging! Kiddo must be actually touching me during all waking hours when we are not driving in the car or he is at daycare/school/sleeping. The sleeping isn't even a gimme anymore- he's waking up a lot and needing me to be right there. For my sanity and my need to complete lesson plans, grading, and what not, many nights I have to bring him downstairs and he falls back to sleep at my feet. At this point, I have an air mattress in the office (which totally hinders my crafting when said child is actually in his bed) and just cross my fingers every night.
Getting a little frustrated though- depending on the day I have lost 12-14 pounds. That's awesome, and I know it. BUT I WANT TO LOSE MORE FASTER. Like every other person in the free world embarking on a weight loss path, I want to lose more NOW!
I have to relax, and recognize that this isn't an overnight thing- I am still changing my eating habits. I am still encountering new situations- like today. We had early dismissal, and I didn't have to get the kids for several hours. I adore my coworkers and it was lovely to have an opportunity to just have a drink and lunch with them. I knew my calories for the cocktails, so that was easy. The menu of food?? I stared at that sucker for a good twenty minutes. Our waitress was great- kept checking with the kitchen on calories, and the like. I settled on grilled boneless Maple Mustard "wings". They were really yummy- and I have enough left over for two protein servings on top of quinoa and roast veggies this weekend. I also had a side of the ever fantastic Grillo's pickles. FOUR CALORIES EACH. If you like pickles? Get these.
What is really frustrating me is my new craving to exercise and bust my ass. My children are not so into this. I want to haul around the neighborhood huffing and puffing to the Hamilton soundtrack with a few dance breaks in between. The kids want to slowly scooter and look at rocks and leaves. All awesome things- but they don't really go together.
My challenge for the upcoming weeks is to figure out a way to merge it all together. I need to figure out a way to get my outside/heartpounding workouts (I have lots of great workouts living in this crazy interwebs thingamajiggy but it just doesn't do it for me) in AND parent AND work. Not sure what that will look like- get a sitter every day after school? Find a gym with childcare that is reasonably priced (and J will actually go to without me)?
I don't have the answers yet, but I will. Nevertheless, I'll persist. For all of you that are following my journey- I know you'll persist too.
Friday, March 31, 2017
Saturday, March 25, 2017
Anxiety & Trader Joe's
I know I am not alone in having anxiety- everyone's manifests itself differently. Me? I feel a weird body twinge, and if it's anywhere in my legs, I am having a DVT and will die imminently. If it's in my shoulders, back, jaw, neck, chest, or arm, I am having a heart attack and will die imminently. If it's lower back or hips I am just so used to it I ignore it.
So it's Saturday, and since I have now lost TWELVE POUNDS eating this crazy me created diet and drinking water like a fish, it's time to re-up on veggies (and turmeric)! Off to Trader Joe's I go. Picture me whizzing down the frozen food aisle and feeling this little ache right in the middle of my right boob. Nevermind the fact that I added extra reps to my arm weight training this morning- I know this is it. My time has come. I'm clutching my boob and looking around for an AED, and am feeling really grateful that I am in the frozen food aisle, so if I can't be resuscitated immediately at least they can put me in the freezer case to protect my organs (to both increase my likelihood of survival and preserve organs for donation if that's it) while continuing compressions. This is majorly reassuring and I look around for someone else in the aisle to share my plan with.
Luckily there is no one there, because I am pretty sure I would have been fast-tracked to Behavioral Services at UMass.
Take deep breath. Can breath fine. No nausea. No hot flushed feeling. OK, so this is just me being an anxious wreck.
Drive home, unload the groceries, check my blood pressure. Higher than my baseline (I check every day, and it's been the same damn thing for nearly three weeks- a very healthy BP). So then I check again. And again. And the other arm. Still high. Now my left arm aches from repeated squeezing. Totally having a heart attack. Remember I had a slice of prosciutto with some fresh mozzarella for breakfast. Sodium city. Ahhhh of course- I've been so low sodium for weeks my body is like WOOOOO SALT! Say fuck it, take a Xanax. Amazingly, now my BP is a-ok. So that's how my anxiety manifests itself.
What it isn't doing however, is pulling me off track with eating. The whole stomach queasy bug thing derailed eating ANYTHING or drinking enough water (I never yakked just didn't want food).
I've learned a few more things that might be helpful for other people trying to make a change so I will share!
- If you like sausage/peppers/onions- the Thin and Trim brand of chicken sausages are really good, low calorie, low fat, and not awful for the sodium. Way better than the chicken sausage you can find at TJ's, or other markets.
- Turmeric is still a super food. Add some with cumin to any veg you are sauteing or roasting. For a kick, squeeze in some lemon juice.
- Kale is tolerable when sauteed with a lot of garlic, spinach, and swiss chard.
- Rosemary, thyme and apple infused water is like drinking stuffing. Not for everyone but I really enjoy it.
- Look at the calories on the TJ flatbreads- the ham, gruyere, and onion one is 130 calories per quarter, and both the mushroom and the tomato ones are 300-330 calories per quarter!!! The ham is my favorite anyway.
- There are three kinds of quinoa at TJ's and they all have the same calorie and fiber count.
- Don't eat grapes while driving. You will look everywhere for it, but inevitably step on it and ground it into your carpet getting out of the car.
And the recipe I am most excited about making this week is Chicken Satay Salad. WAHOO FOR NO LETTUCE! And thanks Catherine for the recipe tip!
That's it from here folks!
So it's Saturday, and since I have now lost TWELVE POUNDS eating this crazy me created diet and drinking water like a fish, it's time to re-up on veggies (and turmeric)! Off to Trader Joe's I go. Picture me whizzing down the frozen food aisle and feeling this little ache right in the middle of my right boob. Nevermind the fact that I added extra reps to my arm weight training this morning- I know this is it. My time has come. I'm clutching my boob and looking around for an AED, and am feeling really grateful that I am in the frozen food aisle, so if I can't be resuscitated immediately at least they can put me in the freezer case to protect my organs (to both increase my likelihood of survival and preserve organs for donation if that's it) while continuing compressions. This is majorly reassuring and I look around for someone else in the aisle to share my plan with.
Luckily there is no one there, because I am pretty sure I would have been fast-tracked to Behavioral Services at UMass.
Take deep breath. Can breath fine. No nausea. No hot flushed feeling. OK, so this is just me being an anxious wreck.
Drive home, unload the groceries, check my blood pressure. Higher than my baseline (I check every day, and it's been the same damn thing for nearly three weeks- a very healthy BP). So then I check again. And again. And the other arm. Still high. Now my left arm aches from repeated squeezing. Totally having a heart attack. Remember I had a slice of prosciutto with some fresh mozzarella for breakfast. Sodium city. Ahhhh of course- I've been so low sodium for weeks my body is like WOOOOO SALT! Say fuck it, take a Xanax. Amazingly, now my BP is a-ok. So that's how my anxiety manifests itself.
What it isn't doing however, is pulling me off track with eating. The whole stomach queasy bug thing derailed eating ANYTHING or drinking enough water (I never yakked just didn't want food).
I've learned a few more things that might be helpful for other people trying to make a change so I will share!
- If you like sausage/peppers/onions- the Thin and Trim brand of chicken sausages are really good, low calorie, low fat, and not awful for the sodium. Way better than the chicken sausage you can find at TJ's, or other markets.
- Turmeric is still a super food. Add some with cumin to any veg you are sauteing or roasting. For a kick, squeeze in some lemon juice.
- Kale is tolerable when sauteed with a lot of garlic, spinach, and swiss chard.
- Rosemary, thyme and apple infused water is like drinking stuffing. Not for everyone but I really enjoy it.
- Look at the calories on the TJ flatbreads- the ham, gruyere, and onion one is 130 calories per quarter, and both the mushroom and the tomato ones are 300-330 calories per quarter!!! The ham is my favorite anyway.
- There are three kinds of quinoa at TJ's and they all have the same calorie and fiber count.
- Don't eat grapes while driving. You will look everywhere for it, but inevitably step on it and ground it into your carpet getting out of the car.
And the recipe I am most excited about making this week is Chicken Satay Salad. WAHOO FOR NO LETTUCE! And thanks Catherine for the recipe tip!
That's it from here folks!
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Ok, let's get real here...
My work is stressful. I work with kiddos grade 6-12 with disabilities. 99% of my time is spent in the MS with kiddos from grade 6-8. I adore my kids. They rock. Even when they are amazing, there is stress. Meetings, etc. I have that handled and work is my happy place. Today our art teacher set up an amazing paint class after school for staff. You know, like those paint night things? Only difference is that our wine glass had grape juice it in...I was ten minutes in- feeling super zen, enjoying spending time with my coworkers- and my freaking phone did the buzzy buzz. I ignored it the first time. Big kid was getting off the bus with Allison, so I knew he was good. Little was already with Allison. Grabbed a yummy snack and go ready to learn to paint some lilacs, my favorite flower. Looked at stupid phone. Big kid's school. THREE TIMES. That requires a call back, clearly.
Long and short? My kid puked. In the one space in the school with carpet. I feel like I need to send flowers to the custodian! Not just his usual someone did something gross gag, which is par for the course and I don't even get a call about anymore. A real, I am sick, puke. Sigh. Leave happy Zen paint class to get kid, who is fairly miserable but not horrible. Get kid #2. Go home. Kid #1 falls asleep on the couch, only to get up and get sick EVERYWHERE. On the few square feet of carpet I own. Sigh. Not fun. Put him to bed and now kid #2 won't go to sleep. My brain is shorting out because I need to generate and email sub plans, and figure out how to work meetings via phone- how fast can I hit the mute button if vomit occurs?? (EDITED: he totally puked during the meeting and no one heard it).He's finally asleep after two hours of snuggling.
I so want to go to bed. And I can't. I have reports to read, exercise to do, more onions to saute (because god forbid I don't get my serving of turmeric onions in a day!), and more reports to read.
Why so many reports? Both kiddos have their initial IEP meetings Thursday.
Honestly, I just want to go to sleep. I am still chugging my water- I got my 165 ounces in today, and am feeling good. I am just going with that for tonight. Fingers crossed I wake up with still only one puking family member!
And a lovely update- Kid #2 fell to the puke bug Wednesday night, with his mama right behind on Thursday. Thankfully, it was a fast moving bug.
Long and short? My kid puked. In the one space in the school with carpet. I feel like I need to send flowers to the custodian! Not just his usual someone did something gross gag, which is par for the course and I don't even get a call about anymore. A real, I am sick, puke. Sigh. Leave happy Zen paint class to get kid, who is fairly miserable but not horrible. Get kid #2. Go home. Kid #1 falls asleep on the couch, only to get up and get sick EVERYWHERE. On the few square feet of carpet I own. Sigh. Not fun. Put him to bed and now kid #2 won't go to sleep. My brain is shorting out because I need to generate and email sub plans, and figure out how to work meetings via phone- how fast can I hit the mute button if vomit occurs?? (EDITED: he totally puked during the meeting and no one heard it).He's finally asleep after two hours of snuggling.
I so want to go to bed. And I can't. I have reports to read, exercise to do, more onions to saute (because god forbid I don't get my serving of turmeric onions in a day!), and more reports to read.
Why so many reports? Both kiddos have their initial IEP meetings Thursday.
Honestly, I just want to go to sleep. I am still chugging my water- I got my 165 ounces in today, and am feeling good. I am just going with that for tonight. Fingers crossed I wake up with still only one puking family member!
And a lovely update- Kid #2 fell to the puke bug Wednesday night, with his mama right behind on Thursday. Thankfully, it was a fast moving bug.
Monday, March 20, 2017
Well isn't this EXCITING!
Um, well, I broke my rule of two scale days in a row. Glad I did though because I am now down TEN POUNDS. That's a real amount of weight. I know weight fluctuates from day to day and it's ok if tomorrow I get on the scale and it's gone up a smidge. Not going to freak over it.
My point is that if I can do that- anyone can. I have zero willpower and am pretty damn lazy.
Turning point? It's the water. I will preach that until the day I die (which is now getting further and further away- thank goodness) drink half your body weight, in ounces, of water. If I ate a potato chip now (and I LOVE CHIPS) it's too salty and I go YUCK. I am still enjoying some tortilla chips, the healthy grainy ones with my salsa, but that's pretty much my only junky food. Oh, and I had three Hershey's kisses today. Guess what? That's not going to change my course.
I have heard from so many of you, telling me I am inspirational, or whatnot. I am THRILLED that I can be inspirational to others- frankly, I'm just a mom. A single mom, super busy and super focused on my kids. AND I can do that and focus on me more. I don't have to choose. Well, most of the time. Today M refused to go on a walk with me and my lovely neighbor so I left- I said "be back soon!" and you better believe he hightailed it out of the house and joined in. I wouldn't have actually left him home alone, but I had to front like I would. He had a blast, scootered all the way. I had some huffing and puffing moments- with a slight incline. Didn't help that J was "biking" on his trike- which really translates to him sitting on it while I push. At least I moved my body!!!
And seriously people, drink the damn water. I challenge you!
Oh and a delicious recipe if you want to mix up your egg cups in the am-
Saute onions, peppers, tomatoes with some cumin and cayenne. Whisk your eggs with additional cayenne and cumin (or your egg substitute). Pop veg into each muffin cup (that has been sprayed with Pam) and pour eggs in. Top with a small pinch of Mexican blend shredded cheese, and bake at 350 for 15 minutes or until eggs are set. Serve with salsa or fresh avocado!
My point is that if I can do that- anyone can. I have zero willpower and am pretty damn lazy.
Turning point? It's the water. I will preach that until the day I die (which is now getting further and further away- thank goodness) drink half your body weight, in ounces, of water. If I ate a potato chip now (and I LOVE CHIPS) it's too salty and I go YUCK. I am still enjoying some tortilla chips, the healthy grainy ones with my salsa, but that's pretty much my only junky food. Oh, and I had three Hershey's kisses today. Guess what? That's not going to change my course.
I have heard from so many of you, telling me I am inspirational, or whatnot. I am THRILLED that I can be inspirational to others- frankly, I'm just a mom. A single mom, super busy and super focused on my kids. AND I can do that and focus on me more. I don't have to choose. Well, most of the time. Today M refused to go on a walk with me and my lovely neighbor so I left- I said "be back soon!" and you better believe he hightailed it out of the house and joined in. I wouldn't have actually left him home alone, but I had to front like I would. He had a blast, scootered all the way. I had some huffing and puffing moments- with a slight incline. Didn't help that J was "biking" on his trike- which really translates to him sitting on it while I push. At least I moved my body!!!
And seriously people, drink the damn water. I challenge you!
Oh and a delicious recipe if you want to mix up your egg cups in the am-
Saute onions, peppers, tomatoes with some cumin and cayenne. Whisk your eggs with additional cayenne and cumin (or your egg substitute). Pop veg into each muffin cup (that has been sprayed with Pam) and pour eggs in. Top with a small pinch of Mexican blend shredded cheese, and bake at 350 for 15 minutes or until eggs are set. Serve with salsa or fresh avocado!
Saturday, March 18, 2017
One thing ticked off the list...
So, if you follow my blog, you know that I have challenged myself to lose 130 pounds. I'm drinking lots of water- average is between 130-165 ounces a day. Yes, that's safe. Even if I was only awake for ten hours a day, my kidneys can healthily process 300 ounces a day. I'm nowhere near that, so I don't need a lecture on hyponatremia.
After three weeks of a drastically changed diet, I have lost five pounds. I'm not counting the ten I lost of February break. Several people have asked what program I am using- my answer is simple "Ummm, eating less crap?". That's an understatement. I am eating tons of veggies, and lean proteins, and about 60-90g of carbs a day- the crappy processed kind like pretzels, or tortilla chips (I love salsa- have to dip something in it and carrots just don't do it). Keeping an eye on sodium and saturated fats, of course, and sugar. I did really enjoy some watermelon gummy bears yesterday though. I have a bag of Shakeology in my cabinet, and the Pink Drink by Plexus, and some other things around- and haven't used them. I don't know if I will- they kind of scare me.
And that's just it. It's not realistic for me to think that I am never going to have any one food group (carbs!) or treat again. When I go to Ft. Lauderdale, I am going to eat as much crab salsa as I can, and taramosalata, Greek salads, and lots of melitzanosalata. And you know what? I lost ten pounds the last time I was there for five days. Maybe I should eat that stuff MORE.
I'm going to go to Cape May and eat deviled eggs at the Virginia alongside a delicious cocktail. I will surely eat more slices of Louie's Pizza with ricotta and spinach. Lobster is always going to be in my life. I will visit Seafood Sam's on the Cape and thoroughly enjoy my fried food spectacular.
And you know what? That is FINE. The rest of the time I am being very aware of what I put in my body. It's just five pounds, but I'm pretty pleased with myself. I was at a kid birthday party today and yes, I finished my kid's hot dog, and had a handful of popcorn. AND the mama was a smartie pants and had a fabulous veggie platter. I ate a LOT of veggies. I'm going to have a few gals over tonight and wine will be drunk, and I have fresh eggplant dip (no oil, just smoky delicious roasted eggplant blended with garlic), some salsa, and fruit. It will be just as much fun as any other gathering, but a lot healthier.
What is really amazing to me, thus far? The support. From everyone. I always have it from close friends and my family, of course, but people are coming out of the woodwork to help hold me accountable- and I'm grateful, because that is EXACTLY what I need.
So five pounds. 125 to go. I have 552 days!
After three weeks of a drastically changed diet, I have lost five pounds. I'm not counting the ten I lost of February break. Several people have asked what program I am using- my answer is simple "Ummm, eating less crap?". That's an understatement. I am eating tons of veggies, and lean proteins, and about 60-90g of carbs a day- the crappy processed kind like pretzels, or tortilla chips (I love salsa- have to dip something in it and carrots just don't do it). Keeping an eye on sodium and saturated fats, of course, and sugar. I did really enjoy some watermelon gummy bears yesterday though. I have a bag of Shakeology in my cabinet, and the Pink Drink by Plexus, and some other things around- and haven't used them. I don't know if I will- they kind of scare me.
And that's just it. It's not realistic for me to think that I am never going to have any one food group (carbs!) or treat again. When I go to Ft. Lauderdale, I am going to eat as much crab salsa as I can, and taramosalata, Greek salads, and lots of melitzanosalata. And you know what? I lost ten pounds the last time I was there for five days. Maybe I should eat that stuff MORE.
I'm going to go to Cape May and eat deviled eggs at the Virginia alongside a delicious cocktail. I will surely eat more slices of Louie's Pizza with ricotta and spinach. Lobster is always going to be in my life. I will visit Seafood Sam's on the Cape and thoroughly enjoy my fried food spectacular.
And you know what? That is FINE. The rest of the time I am being very aware of what I put in my body. It's just five pounds, but I'm pretty pleased with myself. I was at a kid birthday party today and yes, I finished my kid's hot dog, and had a handful of popcorn. AND the mama was a smartie pants and had a fabulous veggie platter. I ate a LOT of veggies. I'm going to have a few gals over tonight and wine will be drunk, and I have fresh eggplant dip (no oil, just smoky delicious roasted eggplant blended with garlic), some salsa, and fruit. It will be just as much fun as any other gathering, but a lot healthier.
What is really amazing to me, thus far? The support. From everyone. I always have it from close friends and my family, of course, but people are coming out of the woodwork to help hold me accountable- and I'm grateful, because that is EXACTLY what I need.
So five pounds. 125 to go. I have 552 days!
Sunday, March 12, 2017
I'm NOT Broken!
It has been a week since I started tracking all of the things that went into my body- the water (averaging 140 oz a day- above my goal of 135 WOO), the food, the negativity- and while the scale hasn't budged I feel a lot lighter- emotionally lighter.
Things that I have learned this week: (and all recipes will be below)
1. I love turmeric onions. I went through a five pound bag of onions in one week. I put them on everything.
2. My tomato sauce is super low calorie and has no sodium or sugar. And is freaking delicious.
3. I can have an awesome girl's night in with the most delicious dill dip ever made by my new neighbor, who is fantastic and I am so glad she bought Hannah & Pepe's house. The key was using mostly the fresh vegetables to dip in it, and keeping calories way low the rest of the day.
4. Wine has calories. If it's the MOST delicious sangria I have ever had, in the cutest, best designed bottles EVER, every calorie is worth it.
5. I'm not broken, so I'm not going to buy into something that will "fix" me (I heartily dislike that implication, even if whatever program it is focuses on the right things like portion control). Seriously, 19 emails from a variety of companies claiming to be able to "fix" my fat. I don't need glue, kids, I need long term change.
6. Beach Body On Demand does not mean that when you press play you suddenly have a beach body. (c'mon, it said ON DEMAND!)
7. It's too damn cold to go for a walk when it is 12 degrees. Kudos to all the runners I saw out there. Keep on going. Without me.
8. Red egg cookers are adorable and very, very, helpful. It made me the most perfect poached egg this morning, which I thorough enjoyed over a bed of roasted brussel sprouts and eggplant.
9. Be aware when you eat a lot of the red beets. When you use the bathroom you will be fairly sure that you have a tapeworm and are bleeding out.
10. Boobs can glow, given a strong flashlight and some other key things. Don't even ask.
And most importantly, I have surrounded myself with the most incredibly supportive people on the planet. Everyone is asking how they can support me, in real time. I'm grateful, and humbled.
Turmeric Onions
3 sweet onions sliced
1 tbsp olive oil
2-3 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp cumin
1/4-1//2 tsp turmeric
Mix it all together and saute over medium heat until soft and starting to caramelize. Refrigerate. Delicious on salads, with eggs, with a fork....
Healthy Sauce
2 tiny tomato paste cans (I think 6 oz)
2 medium no salt added tomato sauce cans (I used Hunt's- I think 14 oz or so?)
2 large tomato puree cans
Seasonings of your choice- I add Italian seasoning, lots of garlic powder, lots of onion powder, and sometimes a tiny pinch of dill because I am weird. I have also added a bay leave, and removed before serving. If you are adding salt, that will obviously impact your sodium level.
That's it. Toss it in a stock pot and let simmer.
Things that I have learned this week: (and all recipes will be below)
1. I love turmeric onions. I went through a five pound bag of onions in one week. I put them on everything.
2. My tomato sauce is super low calorie and has no sodium or sugar. And is freaking delicious.
3. I can have an awesome girl's night in with the most delicious dill dip ever made by my new neighbor, who is fantastic and I am so glad she bought Hannah & Pepe's house. The key was using mostly the fresh vegetables to dip in it, and keeping calories way low the rest of the day.
4. Wine has calories. If it's the MOST delicious sangria I have ever had, in the cutest, best designed bottles EVER, every calorie is worth it.
5. I'm not broken, so I'm not going to buy into something that will "fix" me (I heartily dislike that implication, even if whatever program it is focuses on the right things like portion control). Seriously, 19 emails from a variety of companies claiming to be able to "fix" my fat. I don't need glue, kids, I need long term change.
6. Beach Body On Demand does not mean that when you press play you suddenly have a beach body. (c'mon, it said ON DEMAND!)
7. It's too damn cold to go for a walk when it is 12 degrees. Kudos to all the runners I saw out there. Keep on going. Without me.
8. Red egg cookers are adorable and very, very, helpful. It made me the most perfect poached egg this morning, which I thorough enjoyed over a bed of roasted brussel sprouts and eggplant.
9. Be aware when you eat a lot of the red beets. When you use the bathroom you will be fairly sure that you have a tapeworm and are bleeding out.
10. Boobs can glow, given a strong flashlight and some other key things. Don't even ask.
And most importantly, I have surrounded myself with the most incredibly supportive people on the planet. Everyone is asking how they can support me, in real time. I'm grateful, and humbled.
Turmeric Onions
3 sweet onions sliced
1 tbsp olive oil
2-3 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp cumin
1/4-1//2 tsp turmeric
Mix it all together and saute over medium heat until soft and starting to caramelize. Refrigerate. Delicious on salads, with eggs, with a fork....
Healthy Sauce
2 tiny tomato paste cans (I think 6 oz)
2 medium no salt added tomato sauce cans (I used Hunt's- I think 14 oz or so?)
2 large tomato puree cans
Seasonings of your choice- I add Italian seasoning, lots of garlic powder, lots of onion powder, and sometimes a tiny pinch of dill because I am weird. I have also added a bay leave, and removed before serving. If you are adding salt, that will obviously impact your sodium level.
That's it. Toss it in a stock pot and let simmer.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
WOW. Here's an eye opener for ya...
I have been super dedicated this week- got my water in (135 ounces a day, at the least- until today- Sunday may be my kryptonite with water), monitored calories using the My Fitness Pal app, and have not lost an ounce. It's coming, I know it is. I also haven't gained any weight- which brings me to my point. While I didn't get all of my water in today I ate very cleanly- veggies and hard boiled egg for breakfast- grand total of 178 calories. Lunch? Much of the same, add chicken breast, 296 calories. Snack of Cheez-its because hello? Sometimes you need a cheesy crunch and that was 150 calories (I counted them and trusted the box nutritional information!). That's about 650 calories. Based on my current weight, I am "allowed" 1,700 calories a day. So I theoretically have 1,050 calories for dinner.
If I ate that much, I would puke my guts up.
I am looking forward to my Trader Joe's flatbread with ham, gruyere and caramelized onions, don't get me wrong. Add my balsamic glaze (1 tbsp) and that's a whopping 310 calories. Add extra turmeric onions on top- adds 30 calories. So dinner will be 340 calories.
That still leaves me WAY below my goal for the day- and I think that's not ok. I think that may make my body think it's starving. I don't feel hungry, and yet, I still need to provide the appropriate level of nutrients!
This eating healthy shit is hard. I'm confused. I need to get a better handle at incorporating healthy carbs, and lean proteins.
That said, I'm still pretty freaking proud of myself.
If I ate that much, I would puke my guts up.
I am looking forward to my Trader Joe's flatbread with ham, gruyere and caramelized onions, don't get me wrong. Add my balsamic glaze (1 tbsp) and that's a whopping 310 calories. Add extra turmeric onions on top- adds 30 calories. So dinner will be 340 calories.
That still leaves me WAY below my goal for the day- and I think that's not ok. I think that may make my body think it's starving. I don't feel hungry, and yet, I still need to provide the appropriate level of nutrients!
This eating healthy shit is hard. I'm confused. I need to get a better handle at incorporating healthy carbs, and lean proteins.
That said, I'm still pretty freaking proud of myself.
Saturday, March 4, 2017
People are Good, and Kind. And then there's those other weirdos...
This is really an update on yesterday's blog post. I have received a tremendous amount of support, from all over the world- who knew that people in Thailand were reading my blog? Well, they are. And they send messages. 99% of the feed back I have received has been incredible. And then there is that 1%. "Why are you putting your personal business out there for others to see?" Oh, and "Your issues should be private!".
You know what? I put it out there because I am alone, and yet NOT alone. I am a single mom. I am busting my ass to raise my boys to be good people. I work hard to ensure that my students leave my classroom feeling good about their accomplishments. I have more support from my family than anyone could dream of, and I am ridiculously grateful. I have awesome friends, who are ready and willing to support me- when I actually communicate what I need (my biggest character flaw- I suck at asking for help, but I am getting much better at it). This is a way of me being real, and acknowledging that I DO need support, that I can't do it alone.
I have every privilege than anyone could dream of. I am not worried about providing meals- and trust me, I know how blessed I am. However, what I don't have is accountability. I don't have someone else right alongside me, in the moment, encouraging me to make a healthier choice. There is no one keeping tabs on whether I worked out or didn't. No one is riding in my car when I drive past Wendy's (I drive past other fast food joints, but I don't really like them like I do Wendy's). My doctor, as fantastic as she is, isn't micro managing me (she knows I need to lose weight but is impressed as I am the healthiest fattie she knows [totally my words- she would NEVER use that term]). I know myself, and I know what I need to succeed. I need PRESSURE. And that is why I am being completely transparent about my struggle and my journey. I have worked with students who have Type 1 diabetes, a peanut allergy, or Celiac's. Everyone is aware, and we work together to support those kiddos to the best of our ability. I am by no means trivializing these conditions- merely saying that there are going to be days, even weeks, where I need similar support.
So yes, I am an over-sharer. And if that over-sharing helps me reach my goals, for my children? Then so be it. I'm a wee bit Machiavellian- the end totally justifies the means....
You know what? I put it out there because I am alone, and yet NOT alone. I am a single mom. I am busting my ass to raise my boys to be good people. I work hard to ensure that my students leave my classroom feeling good about their accomplishments. I have more support from my family than anyone could dream of, and I am ridiculously grateful. I have awesome friends, who are ready and willing to support me- when I actually communicate what I need (my biggest character flaw- I suck at asking for help, but I am getting much better at it). This is a way of me being real, and acknowledging that I DO need support, that I can't do it alone.
I have every privilege than anyone could dream of. I am not worried about providing meals- and trust me, I know how blessed I am. However, what I don't have is accountability. I don't have someone else right alongside me, in the moment, encouraging me to make a healthier choice. There is no one keeping tabs on whether I worked out or didn't. No one is riding in my car when I drive past Wendy's (I drive past other fast food joints, but I don't really like them like I do Wendy's). My doctor, as fantastic as she is, isn't micro managing me (she knows I need to lose weight but is impressed as I am the healthiest fattie she knows [totally my words- she would NEVER use that term]). I know myself, and I know what I need to succeed. I need PRESSURE. And that is why I am being completely transparent about my struggle and my journey. I have worked with students who have Type 1 diabetes, a peanut allergy, or Celiac's. Everyone is aware, and we work together to support those kiddos to the best of our ability. I am by no means trivializing these conditions- merely saying that there are going to be days, even weeks, where I need similar support.
So yes, I am an over-sharer. And if that over-sharing helps me reach my goals, for my children? Then so be it. I'm a wee bit Machiavellian- the end totally justifies the means....
Friday, March 3, 2017
Well here we go! Are you along for the ride?
It's time. This blog has been with me through divorce, childbirth, exploding toilets, daylight savings times- and all the other bits and bobs.
Now shit is getting real. I am almost38 39 years old (seriously, I had to think about that). I love food. I love to cook. I love a good glass of wine. I love my kids MORE. I love my family MORE than I love scallops wrapped in bacon. I am not getting younger. My kids are 7 and 5- my little, J, has conductive hearing loss and we are learning sign, and struggling with the anxiety associated with it. Every minute while he is awake and we are home he says "Mama, where are you?" if I am not directly in front of him. He has a great therapist, and we have an amazing team- and he'll be having more surgery in a few weeks, which should return hearing in both ears to a mild loss. Still, he needs me, in an heartwrenching way. I went to bathroom today and failed to tap him on the shoulder, and say "mommy is going to pee"- the tears and epic meltdown took twenty minutes to manage, as opposed to the 30 seconds it took me to pee.
That said, I'm almost 39. I am fat. I have had gastric bypass. Not a lot of people know that. It was in 2005 and I lost 100 pounds. Then I met a man, got married, got pregnant, gained 90 pounds. Had baby M. Lost 50. Moved. Got pregnant. Gained 20 pounds. Had baby J. Lost 10 pounds. Got divorced, thus losing multiple emotional pounds. Joined the PTO. Focused on raising two boys solo. Took amazing steps with my career. Started coaching soccer. Lost myself. Became so paranoid about dying I have had 5 EKG's in three months (all totally normal). While this fear is helping me meet my deductible, every twinge I feel in my arm or jaw is not me having a heart attack, but a manifestation of my anxiety. However, if I don't make really significant changes, my kids could be waking up next to my cold, dead, body. Yes, That's horrible to say. It's something no mom wants for her kids. And I refuse to let that happen.
Now, it's my time. I'm going to use foul language here, so if your five year old is extremely precocious and can read, tell them to go fuck off for a second. Oops. Already dropped an eff bomb.
I am NOT GIVING AWAY MY SHOT (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda)! This is MY DAY. This is MY CHOICE. And yes, I am choosing rabbit food. Today for lunch I had celery, tomatoes, onions, red pepper, carrots, and chicken breast. And you know what? It tasted kind of crappy- but then I thought of the fight I am choosing to engage in, and it tasted like VICTORY. If you want far yummier food to achieve your victory, go check out Foodie Fiasco's blog. This gal is a freaking teenager and has recreated all of the yummies to fit Paleo, gluten free, vegan diets. There are brownie recipes there people!
I WILL KICK FAT'S ASS. As opposed to being a fat ass. Totally different things.
I am not fucking around this time. Over the past week I did a "water challenge"- the point is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. I called my doctor, I made sure this was safe because as a fattie, that's a shit ton of water. She loved the idea and encouraged me to do it. Not only did I meet my daily goal, I blew that goal out of the water (giggle, and water connection intended). And I got results! I didn't want crap food. My blood pressure is better than it has been since pre-baby M. My pulse is a lovely 65. My rosacea is way less boiled lobster and more slightly flushed. My hair even looks better in an "I need a haircut and my color is from a box but it's clean" kind of way. I didn't lose an ounce. Instead, I gained a clear vision of what I want from my body, for my body, and for my kids.
I will lose 130 pounds by September 22, 2018. That's my 40th birthday.
Do you hear me world? I WILL DO THIS. Going to blow it out of the park, which is apparently a synonym for kicking ass- not a sports gal! Watch out peeps, I'm going to persist.
Now shit is getting real. I am almost
That said, I'm almost 39. I am fat. I have had gastric bypass. Not a lot of people know that. It was in 2005 and I lost 100 pounds. Then I met a man, got married, got pregnant, gained 90 pounds. Had baby M. Lost 50. Moved. Got pregnant. Gained 20 pounds. Had baby J. Lost 10 pounds. Got divorced, thus losing multiple emotional pounds. Joined the PTO. Focused on raising two boys solo. Took amazing steps with my career. Started coaching soccer. Lost myself. Became so paranoid about dying I have had 5 EKG's in three months (all totally normal). While this fear is helping me meet my deductible, every twinge I feel in my arm or jaw is not me having a heart attack, but a manifestation of my anxiety. However, if I don't make really significant changes, my kids could be waking up next to my cold, dead, body. Yes, That's horrible to say. It's something no mom wants for her kids. And I refuse to let that happen.
Now, it's my time. I'm going to use foul language here, so if your five year old is extremely precocious and can read, tell them to go fuck off for a second. Oops. Already dropped an eff bomb.
I am NOT GIVING AWAY MY SHOT (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda)! This is MY DAY. This is MY CHOICE. And yes, I am choosing rabbit food. Today for lunch I had celery, tomatoes, onions, red pepper, carrots, and chicken breast. And you know what? It tasted kind of crappy- but then I thought of the fight I am choosing to engage in, and it tasted like VICTORY. If you want far yummier food to achieve your victory, go check out Foodie Fiasco's blog. This gal is a freaking teenager and has recreated all of the yummies to fit Paleo, gluten free, vegan diets. There are brownie recipes there people!
I WILL KICK FAT'S ASS. As opposed to being a fat ass. Totally different things.
I am not fucking around this time. Over the past week I did a "water challenge"- the point is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. I called my doctor, I made sure this was safe because as a fattie, that's a shit ton of water. She loved the idea and encouraged me to do it. Not only did I meet my daily goal, I blew that goal out of the water (giggle, and water connection intended). And I got results! I didn't want crap food. My blood pressure is better than it has been since pre-baby M. My pulse is a lovely 65. My rosacea is way less boiled lobster and more slightly flushed. My hair even looks better in an "I need a haircut and my color is from a box but it's clean" kind of way. I didn't lose an ounce. Instead, I gained a clear vision of what I want from my body, for my body, and for my kids.
I will lose 130 pounds by September 22, 2018. That's my 40th birthday.
Do you hear me world? I WILL DO THIS. Going to blow it out of the park, which is apparently a synonym for kicking ass- not a sports gal! Watch out peeps, I'm going to persist.
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