Mahna mahna...doo doo do doo doo!

I love that Muppets song. The one that gets completely stuck in your head and can't be excised no matter how hard you try. It used to be my text message tone on my phone and my coworkers wanted to throw it against the wall! We had little cute lockers in the staff room and I would shove my purse in there, often forgetting to turn off the ringer. Don't get me wrong, I didn't actually get that many texts, but I got lots and lots and lots of notifications. So "mahna mahna" would go off periodically, and I would get nasty calls on the radio to come turn off my damn phone. These days the songs that haunt me are from shows on Nick Jr., Sprout, and PBS. The Umizoomi theme song is always on repeat in my mind, and if I hear one of the words in daily life, I can't stop- I sing the rest of it. Rather awkward when I'm in the middle of teaching a lesson on capitol punishment. Dinosaur Train, Little Einsteins, and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse are also big favorites. My high schoolers find it pretty funny though when I break into the "Hot Dog" song and dance. I look like an idiot but it's a really snazzy tune. It might be time to start Bubba on School House Rock, however, as I think if I'm going to be stuck singing ridiculous songs all day they may as well tie in with the curriculum!

Uh oh, here's one now..."Conjuction junction, what's your function?".

Totally cramping my style

I love my job. Honestly, I really do. The kids are great and my coworkers are fabulous. The problem is the actual time commitment. Really, it's having to be focused on ONE activity for an entire forty-five minute period. That's longer than a double episode of Little Einsteins, which is a struggle in itself. And it's the WHOLE DAY. I am in the building, working, from 7 am to 2:30 pm, which is actually pretty awesome. I have time to run errands or what not before I have to be at daycare to gather Bubba and Shrimp. What else could anyone ask for?

1. The ability to pop out for lunch whenever I so desire. Weggie's, Il Forno, nothing fancy, just a leisurely lunch with the mamas. Just once a week is fine!

2. Facebook access. I have missed out on a puzzle due solely to my lack of access. Granted, if I had Facebook access, the kids would too, and that would be horrible. OK, I guess my sanity is a fair trade off for said puzzle. It's just tough not knowing everyone's every move. Reading status' (stati? statuses?) is quite entertaining and rather informative. Now I leave work at 2:30 and have no clue what people have been doing, who has had babies, and where the cluster of mamas is congregating, all of which put me at a social disadvantage.

3. Dead weight hanging off my right leg. It's really rather awkward to walk without Bubba hanging on for dear life or the bucket dangling from my arm. I totally walk crooked, as demonstrated by my repeated walking into the walls in the hallway. 

4. Time outs. My brain needs a break after a little while, and I could totally use some quiet time. Alas, there is no "calm down corner" here. I need to invite that super American nanny into my classroom apparently. 

Well, and perhaps a deal where I just get a paycheck for being me, without requiring much of anything in return.

Looking back...

So my first blog post, so long ago, was focused around what I was going to accomplish during my maternity leave. Let's review, shall we?

1. Clean the damn floors. With an actual sponge. On my hands and knees. 

I did this! Several times! By hiring a cleaning lady to do it for me!

2. Have a baby, and take pictures. I've been a delinquent photojournalist recently. (maybe this should be first? No, definitely the floors need to be first!!!)

Well, we got off to a rocky start. We had a surprise section so we didn't have a camera for the delivery. Saved by the iPhone.

3.. Get a head start on Jameson's year one scrapbook.

Didn't happen. Not even close. 

4. Take a nap, at least once.

I did it twice!

5. Break the addiction I have to Wegman's sticky buns.

Complete! It also helps that they stopped making them without nuts...

6. Break my addiction to Wegman's in general. Or not. Really, who is it hurting?

Well, it got worse. Way worse. Like every day. Severals trips a day. Lunch regularly enough that I walk in the door and the cashiers swarm over and snag my baby.

7. Hang out with the mamas that I never get to see because work gets in the way.

Yup! Not as much as I wanted but the holidays were a total cramp in my style. 

8. Organize the pantry- using my handy dandy iPhone of course! (there's an app for that, obviously)

Ha. Even the iPhone doesn't make that fun.

9. Go on a hot date with Miles, to see Sesame Street Live! where I will be subjects to wails of "Melmo!! Melmo!!!!", which sounds suspiciously like "mama" these days. Hmm, one and the same? I guess I need to shave my legs.

Saturday!!!

10. Install the attic flooring, hang pictures in the office, dust the heaters, and other domestic things that I will put off until the LAST day of mat leave.

I did put it off. Until never. My dad did the attic floor and I hung some pictures. The cleaning fairy did the rest.

11. Most importantly, revel in mommyhood.

Oh hell yeah!!!

I also did some unplanned things- ate a lot of pasta at Il Forno with some Rockin' Mamas, ran a few New Mom's Groups, went to Jo-Ann's Fabrics pretty regularly (it's just so close to Wegman's!) and had a cookie swap. Oh yeah, and started a business out of my home. I'd say maternity leave was a win.

When do I get my next one?

11 pm

11 pm is not a time you want to hear the phone ring- ever. It's never good news. Unless you are waiting for a baby to be born, perhaps, but other than that? It sucks. Sickness, illness, death. Those are the reasons people call in the middle of the night. Last night my phone rings at 11 pm. I was so shocked I thought it was the TV of course- dragged my ass out of bed and answered, with both trepidation and annoyance in my voice, surely. It was my pediatrician calling with lab results, because of course, that's when pediatricians get back to you. They were totally beating around the bush too. I finally asked why the were calling so late. Pause. Gulp. Well, Shrimp's potassium level was high. 6.3. That's hyperkalemia which is not a good thing- it indicated renal issues, and can also cause arrhythmia- cardiac involvement. Well shit. The pedi said it could be due to hemolysis, but that the lab was insistent it was an accurate level. Off to the ER we went. In the middle of the night. It was like a merry go round getting out of the house- I have never been so focused in my life. Diaper bag, bottle, snowsuit- I even remembered ointment to help pry off any leads that might get stuck on Shrimp- because nobody likes that just-been-waxed by tape feeling. In the car, out the door. They were waiting for us at the valet stand and away we went. Within 20 minutes of the phone ringing, Shrimp was hooked up to an EKG, which thankfully, showed no signs of cardiac distress. At all! Woo! Then they started a line to get blood, and have access in case the hyperkalemia was still indicated after repeat labs. FYI, if your infant ever needs to get stuck you want Rachel. They pulled her in from somewhere and poof! Line in. Shrimp didn't like that AT ALL. Not the stick part, the holding still of the arm part. Really pissed him off. Good thing we had already passed the EKG! Labs were back lickety split, and amazingly, potassium was 5.2. Totally in the normal range. No hyperkalemia! No cardiac issues! No renal failure! I was thrilled until I looked at my now sleeping Shrimp- all taped and gauzed and EKG'd up. This was not going to be pretty. The doc left and said a nurse would be in to detach him from everything. Yeah right. I'm totally not waiting, and if my kid is going to be miserable, it needs to be me doing it. Thank goodness most ED's are set up the same way so it was easy to find the swabs, gauze, and other things one needs to de-hospitalize a person. A little calendula ointment and a swab, leads off. Shrimp's still asleep. Phew. Pulse ox off the toe. Still asleep. Unwrap the arm with the line in it. Still sleeping. Pull the line, stop the bleeding, still sleeping. Into the snowsuit, back in the carseat, still asleep. The nurse coming in and expressing her displeasure that I did her job, as well as strip the linens? Still asleep. Bend over to kiss him lightly on the nose? You guessed it. Woke right up.

Bottom line? I am never going to be that parent that waits for a nurse to do a mom's job. Oh, and the Dunkin' at the corner of Shrewsbury Street and Plantation closes at midnight. Jerks.

I'm an addict

The term "addiction" gets tossed around a lot, and is totally overused. There are many people in our society who truly have an addiction that impacts their lives greatly, and by no means do my snarky comments intend to lessen that. OK, political correctness aside, I'm totally addicted to several things. My hubs thinks I am addicted to coconut cake, but I beg to differ. I like ALL cake. Thus, not an addiction. I can function without it. However, other things, not so much.

- Flannel is a recent obsession of mine. I even bought some today WITHOUT A COUPON.
- Words With Friends- even when I get my ass handed to me by some of these crazy smart mamas. Shrimp has been sleeping pretty well of late, and as a result, no middle of the night feedings, and I have to say, my game play is suffering. I'm not quite ready to set an alarm to wake me up to take my turn, but it might come to that.
- Pretending to be a doctor. I can't stop reading medScape. I just read a scintillating article of the correlation between gestational diabetes and ADHD. My children are doomed. Granted, they did say that socio-economic status was the third piece of that. I even take the mini-quizzes to see how I do. I really can't stop either. Nobody really cares about the synovial bursal sac, but that's what I'm reading when I should be asleep.
- Facebook, obviously. I don't even need to elaborate.
- Wegman's. Duh.

I wish I could get addicted to better things, like scrubbing my grout with a toothbrush and Bac-Out, or exercising. Even cooking on a regular basis. You know, healthy, normal activities.

Sadly, there just isn't time. I think it's my turn in WWF.

What am I doing?

Not so much. Especially not on New Year's Eve. When I was younger it was pretty cool, although I can count on one hand how many times I went to parties. There was an awesome party at my neighbor's house every New Year's Eve, but I think I only went once- their daughter remains my oldest and dearest friend (she even had her daughter the day before Shrimp!) and the kids' always got to invite their friends over too. It was a lot of fun, but I was typically in Florida for New Years. Not a bad deal, not at all! I spent NYE 2000 on the beach at Lauderdale-by-the-Sea with all of my family (all seven of us!), 2001 went to a goofy all inclusive party down on Las Olas where we were the youngest people by about fifteen years, and I remember being in the pool with Jib the elder at midnight- perhaps 1994? 1993? It was the Doubletree then, now it's something else. It was the last year we stayed off property. Now, NYE is much more about seeing friends I don't get to see as often as I like. NYE 2009 two of my closest friends came up and we hung out in another buddy's basement. Good times, I tell you. That's as exciting as it gets around here. Last night the most raucous thing that happened was Kathy Griffin disrobing in front of Anderson Cooper on CNN's coverage of Times Square. Wooo let the party begin! It was a great night though- a wonderful bottle of wine, a dear friend, and super yummy appetizers. Until about 11:20 pm when Bubba woke up with a vengeance. Screaming, hollering, the whole shtick. That went on until about 1 am, and then occurred periodically the rest of the night. It was pretty ugly. Up for the day at 5:45. Happy Freaking New Year. At least I didn't fail at any of my resolutions today, because I just don't bother. Resolutions were probably invented by a group of clinicians many years ago to ensure continued clientele. Why should I avow to do something to better my life, when I screw it up pretty quickly? How does that affect your psyche? Not in a good way. Off to the therapist! Bottom line, we're all just hanging on my the skin of our teeth- especially to our sanity. One week without daycare and I'm ready to check myself into one of those old school sanatoriums where you drink sulfur water and breathe deeply as exercise, like in the olden days. Not the kind where they strap you to a gurney and forget about you for a few days. The nice kind, with croquet and cards, and perhaps a good meal or two. I survived 2011- lots of highlights of course, but like any good hair colorist knows, you needs some lowlights to make the blonde shine brighter! Like it or not, 2012 is here, and we'd all better buckle our seatbelts, because here we go!

Unless someone can figure out how to release the lap bars, so I can get off.