Medical Professionals

Most people aren’t big fans of doctors. They appreciate the care they get, most of the time, and piss and moan when they think they are wrong. Don’t misunderstand me- if you think your doctor sucks, by all means, find a new one; but complaining gets you nowhere, unless you do it to the state medical board, and that gets you pretty damn far (don’t even ASK why I know that)!

I love me some docs. Nurses, midwives, dentists, phlebotomists, doulas- all of them. Medical professionals are probably my favorite group of people EVER, if we are determining the quality of a person by their profession alone (which of course we can’t REALLY do). This is odd, I can freely admit. My team of medical staff are my posse. My tribe. THESE ARE MY PEOPLE, and I have LOTS of them.

My hematologist. I’m REALLY anemic and don’t absorb iron at all orally, or any other vitamin for that matter, which gets me a one way ticket to Hematology/Oncology, which is wonderful and horrendously depressing all in one. Iron infusions make me feel like freaking superwoman. My floors are clean, laundry folded, meals made AND frozen! Yup, it’s like speed in an IV bag. My hematologist herself is a hoot. She’s very plain but wears the most fantastic rings I have ever seen. Always a different stone or design, I always want to ask about the story behind them, but I have infusion techs to see! They are lovely girlies- great with a needle, and even savvier with a blanket and manipulating the thermostat with a syringe (it’s always cold in there. ALWAYS.) I’m the anomaly in the infusion wing- the vastly pregnant woman glowing among those receiving their life saving drugs via ports and pumps. My favorite patients are the Petes- Pete, Repeat, and Repeat it again- we always have a good time with each other- I mean, you’re hooked up for a while, and no one is really going out for a jaunt rolling the IV stand.

My endocrinologist- she of FABULOUS shoes- a Holly Golightly for the medical field, this woman does not mess around, and periodically sends me links for great shoes via email. She also hooks me up with my insulin grata, as my insurance doesn’t seem to find it necessary for me to take it in a format where I WON’T overdose. I kept my glucose levels totally in check, and mainly just because I was scared of what she would do if I blew it off!!! I think she actually had a patient section twelved once because she wasn’t a med compliant gestational diabetic! Yeah, she might be my hero.

Oh the ladies of L & D- haven’t had Jameson yet, but guess what? I visit L & D twice a week to have my non stress tests, which are, ironically, rather stressful. I have to remember to bring my stretchy straps to hold the toco and heartrate monitors (you know, reuse!!!), and I get to know my blood pressure really well while I’m hooked up. I also get to watch my contractions on the computer screen, which is really quite lovely. Um. Not. At. All. Those ladies are the best- I do have a tendency to bring them treats (which are not worth enough to count as bribes- I swear!!!) and as a result, I get buzzed in immediately and have never waited more than three minutes for one of my favorite nurses to come bopping in and hook me up. That’s important, because we need twenty minutes of continuous monitoring, and I have Mr. M to pick up at daycare!!! The ladies all filter through to chat and harass me about the excessive baking I have felt compelled to do. Although one of them ratted me out to the OB, and I am now banned from baking. I had to take them pastry from Wegman’s the other day!!! Yeah, I called today just to say hi. I will probably have separation anxiety once I do deliver!

Midwives are amazing, by the way. My midwife would totally be my BFF if she didn’t know me a little too well for my liking. She always makes me laugh, and will sometimes hide in my exam room if it’s been a crazy day. She has about a half dozen children too, so she GETS motherhood. None of this “go home, put your feet up” BS- she KNOWS what moms do. Just crunchy enough to love natural childbirth, but savvy enough to have an au pair. PERFECT for me. Really, I think I would have an elective section but then I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with her, and that would suck.

Oh how could I forget my dentist? She’s like my favorite EVER!!! I’ve been seeing her for over ten years now, and I always try to schedule an appointment on our anniversary. Stylish, sassy, and ridiculously suave with that damn drill. I call him Mr. Bumpy, as my entire skull shakes. Yeah, I hated brushing my teeth as a child. If she had kids, I probably would have bought them at least their first car. She’s great though, and I love to chat with her about real things, like Sephora, wrinkle creams, and the Kardashians (of which Khloe is my favorite, in case you were wondering). The receptionist is one of my most favoritest people of all time too. She ALWAYS makes me giggle and has a non-harassing tone when I forget to bring my checkbook. Which I do every time. On purpose. Shhh. Don’t tell.

Those are just my current team of medical professional crushes. I still keep in touch on an almost weekly basis with my obstetricians, nurses, receptionists, nutritionists, and ultrasound techs from my first pregnancy. Two years ago. In a different city.

I’m a freak, but that’s OK. I know how to get some bangin’ medical care.