OK, so most of the time I'm rather amusing. Sometimes I touch on serious issues. Tonight I'm feeling rather raw, so you might get more of the real me than I usually intend.
I want more babies. Lots of them. I love being pregnant. I love my boys more than anything, but there is always a piece of me desperate for a girl. Yes, I know that if I did have a third the resounding statistics mean I would have a boy. And that would be fine. As more and more of my friends become pregnant (and my joy for them is authentic!) the jealousy grows. I want to be there with them. I enjoyed having parallel pregnancies the first, and second times, so the third? I want to be in that club too. I get angry at the younger me that didn't choose a financially booming field. If I had a fatter paycheck then I could afford to have more babies. If I had started earlier I could have more babies. If I had eaten better, been thinner, been healthier, been smarter, been cuter, been something, then I could have more babies.
It doesn't matter that all of those things probably make no difference. Right now the difference is that I am sad that my kid count will end at two. I just have to reconcile myself to the reality that I have two chances to shape the future for the better. Two chances to raise amazing boys that will one day be fantastic fathers and husbands. I hope I can do that. If I can't, then I have failed on many levels.
Not that a third would change the odds.
I love you. Thank you for your raw honesty. I agree on all levels ( except for the being pregnant, I actually despise that part) I too hope someday for a girl. Ah the teachers salary. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteYou should let the real you show more often. I always wanted a large family too and part of me would like a boy (or another girl).. I hate being pregnant though and I am jealous of the women who have happy joyful pregnancies. We are in the same boat financially. But then I look at what great friends my girls are and while I still want another, I feel okay about our family now.
ReplyDeleteI would love to have another as well. I also love pregnancy. And I want a chance for a do-over on the whole birth thing. Every time I see a preggy belly, it makes me a little sad. I mourn the fact that I will never carry a life inside me again; that I will never have those newborn snuggles again; that once my girls wean, that will be it for breastfeeding. I want to know the joy of birthing a child and having the first couple of weeks actually be normal, not spent separated from him/her. So, I totally get it and I'm here to commiserate with anytime you want. XO
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