Actually...no.

I have been really nasty the past two days. I'm a happy, kind, friendly person- but I have wanted to stay out of my own way. I finally realized that I'm pissed off. I had a chat with someone the other day- another mama, merely an acquaintance. It was totally innocent- she's stressed out, remembered I was divorced, and she said, "Oh it must be so nice to have some time to yourself while the kids are with their dad!". I nodded and said goodbye. No big deal. But really? THAT'S what is bothering me. So, from a single mama to two little nuggets- some insight.

IT SUCKS.

No really, IT BITES.

Of course I enjoy seeing friends, and shopping unfettered. These are things I do even when the kids are with me. If I am that much in need of help, I hire a sitter, or call a friend. When I do not have my kiddos with me, because they are with their father, I am NOT excited. I do things that are fun, and try to make the most of it, but in all actuality, I feel dis-jointed. Not whole. Off-kilter. And lots of other phrases that utilize hyphens, because I really like hyphens. There is nothing that upsets me more than stepping on a lego (because it hurts like a bitch, obviously) because it draws attention to the fact that my boys aren't playing with them. When I turn on the TV and Disney Junior pops up, it moves me to tears. Opening the fridge, I see all these little gross drinky yogurts, and I cry. They all scream in my face "YOOO HOOOO!!!! You, there? YOU ARE A FAILURE. You suck. You couldn't maintain your marriage for the sake of your kids." There. I said it. That's what it feels like. Lest there be some confusion- I am fucking THRILLED that I am not married (happy enough that I will utilize the oh-so-crude f-bomb [ooooh hyphens]). Keeping misery afloat just leads to more misery. However, I refuse to say that it's all fun and games.

Egads, you think. This lady needs a therapist. I beg to differ (I already have a damn good one).  No, I am not depressed. No, I do not need anything other than people to understand that it's NOT fun to have free time when all you want is to be with your kids. Telling me I am lucky to have time away from my children DOESN'T HELP. I know it's from a good place, from looking at the bright side, and what not.  I don't hold it against people. Please, some days, all I, and every other mama on the planet, needs is a break from my kiddos- I get that.

Please, PLEASE, don't consider me lucky. Give me a hug, come visit, call me. Say I know this sucks but let's try to stay positive. I get that. I AM THAT. I am a ray of flipping sunshine.

But even the brightest sun can be obscured by the clouds.