Hunh. It's "spring break". Other wise known as the week my kids are typically with their dad. Things change, people change, and that is no longer the status quo. I am trying really hard to let go of this- typically, I would be costuming a show for an awesome family theater company- but I had to let that go. I would potentially be having lunches and brunches with friends. Yeah, well, that's out.
Given that J is still just nine days post op- this year I was totally ok with keeping the boys with me. I didn't know how J would respond to surgery, if there would be complications. He did great, and was a miserable sack of sadness for a full seven days- again, anticipated.
Now I am understanding how some animals eat their young. I adore my boys- to the end of the universe and back again five thousand times. However, I think my brain might actually be melting.
That pretty much sums up my week.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Medical Musings...and Calories....
So if you read my blog regularly, you know that my J had surgery this week at Mass Eye and Ear Infirmary. And yes, that's his surgeon in the picture. They are #1 in the nation for the second year in a row, and now I know why.
Arrival time was 8 am. With traffic, we left at 5:45 am and got there around 7:30. Checked in on the 10th floor, peds. Waited about twelve seconds and then we were called back- vitals checked, scrubs issued to me and J (who wound up never wearing them THANK GOODNESS! My kid has serious anxiety, especially around clothes). We were then assigned a ROOM. Like a real hospital room with a bed, and a bathroom, tv, nurses, windows, everything. J was completely enamored with the window shades and that amused him for a good hour. No sitting in a waiting room for 2+ hours. We could all have a home base.
April 11th was really hot in Boston. Nearly 90 degrees according to Hyperion, JB's trusty car. I thankfully thought ahead to the wearing of scrubs and wore leggings as opposed to a skirt. Thank goodness I did because those scrubs were unforgiving. Pants fit fine- but the shirt? I walked out to the nurses station to see Carlene the charge nurse- and she looked at me and laughed- "It's the boobs, right??". Yes indeed. This wonderful woman grabbed me a scrub shirt that actually allowed for boobs. Next challenge. Getting J into his hospital issue jammies- this resulted in a dose of Versed the last time he had surgery in November, as he HAD TO WEAR THEM. This time? Angelic charge nurse Carlene again to the rescue- "Doesn't matter- if it's stressing him out then forget them".
We just hung out until 10:10- then I took J down to the surgical floor in my appropriately fitting scrubs, and him in his regular shark t-shirt and green shorts. Pre-surgical was where the magic started to happen. The anesthesiologist happened. She got J. She saw the shark shirt and pulled out her phone and showed him a video she took scuba diving. He fell in love with her! Brianna the child life specialist happened. I totally anticipated the gnashing of teeth and the claws coming out- but she played with him on the floor while I put my booties and cap on. He got to smell all of the potential anesthesia scents, and decided on a smorgasbord of EVERY SINGLE ONE in his "scuba mask". I met with the surgeon, and then J climbed into a Power Wheels car and got to "drive" to the OR. If that isn't child centric, what is???
Upon entering the OR, the ugly started. J didn't want to lie down. So the lovely anesthesiologist pulled out her phone again, and played the scuba diving video- while Brianna gave him his "scuba mask"- no fighting, no fear- J drifted off and I was out the door.
Surgery felt like forever. It went very well, and it was discovered that his adenoids had developed a bacterial infection (like I had suspected) and were drastically impacting his breathing and ears- hence the sleep apnea and the frequent ruptures- they weren't from his ears but from pus and fluids trying to get out. Cue my total anger that the hospital in November told me "adenoids don't grow back". If they had LOOKED my kid could have been spared nearly five months of anxious misery.
Then PACU (post anesthesia care unit)- always the ugliest phase- when it's working it's way out of little bodies it's a lot like a WWE wrestling match. Hitting, scratching, biting, head butting- it took a few of us to keep J in the bed- and finally we went back to his room. It was still ugly there but NOTHING like in the PACU. The IV pissed him off to no end because it was on his thumb sucking hand. Eventually he calmed and fell asleep on me in the chair- he had tolerated some italian ice and a few sips of water. Kiddos have to stay on the floor for at least two hours upon release from the PACU- and once that time frame elapsed and he was still asleep JB went to find a nurse- so we could get that IV out while he was asleep. Apparently I was like the first parent ever to request this and the nurse was all "what a great idea!". IV out, still sleeping. Load into stroller, still sleeping (and I am super grateful I brought the stroller which has been sitting unloved for three years) and out to the car.
Bottom line, while J is still recovering and not feeling great, I am so FLIPPING impressed with the care he received at Mass Eye & Ear.
That said, my eating and exercise routine is in a tailspin- keeping under my calorie count for the day, but the exercise is a fail- and that's totally ok. This week has been about my kiddo and not my fat ass.
Next week, concerns over said fat ass shall resume.
Arrival time was 8 am. With traffic, we left at 5:45 am and got there around 7:30. Checked in on the 10th floor, peds. Waited about twelve seconds and then we were called back- vitals checked, scrubs issued to me and J (who wound up never wearing them THANK GOODNESS! My kid has serious anxiety, especially around clothes). We were then assigned a ROOM. Like a real hospital room with a bed, and a bathroom, tv, nurses, windows, everything. J was completely enamored with the window shades and that amused him for a good hour. No sitting in a waiting room for 2+ hours. We could all have a home base.
April 11th was really hot in Boston. Nearly 90 degrees according to Hyperion, JB's trusty car. I thankfully thought ahead to the wearing of scrubs and wore leggings as opposed to a skirt. Thank goodness I did because those scrubs were unforgiving. Pants fit fine- but the shirt? I walked out to the nurses station to see Carlene the charge nurse- and she looked at me and laughed- "It's the boobs, right??". Yes indeed. This wonderful woman grabbed me a scrub shirt that actually allowed for boobs. Next challenge. Getting J into his hospital issue jammies- this resulted in a dose of Versed the last time he had surgery in November, as he HAD TO WEAR THEM. This time? Angelic charge nurse Carlene again to the rescue- "Doesn't matter- if it's stressing him out then forget them".
We just hung out until 10:10- then I took J down to the surgical floor in my appropriately fitting scrubs, and him in his regular shark t-shirt and green shorts. Pre-surgical was where the magic started to happen. The anesthesiologist happened. She got J. She saw the shark shirt and pulled out her phone and showed him a video she took scuba diving. He fell in love with her! Brianna the child life specialist happened. I totally anticipated the gnashing of teeth and the claws coming out- but she played with him on the floor while I put my booties and cap on. He got to smell all of the potential anesthesia scents, and decided on a smorgasbord of EVERY SINGLE ONE in his "scuba mask". I met with the surgeon, and then J climbed into a Power Wheels car and got to "drive" to the OR. If that isn't child centric, what is???
Upon entering the OR, the ugly started. J didn't want to lie down. So the lovely anesthesiologist pulled out her phone again, and played the scuba diving video- while Brianna gave him his "scuba mask"- no fighting, no fear- J drifted off and I was out the door.
Surgery felt like forever. It went very well, and it was discovered that his adenoids had developed a bacterial infection (like I had suspected) and were drastically impacting his breathing and ears- hence the sleep apnea and the frequent ruptures- they weren't from his ears but from pus and fluids trying to get out. Cue my total anger that the hospital in November told me "adenoids don't grow back". If they had LOOKED my kid could have been spared nearly five months of anxious misery.
Then PACU (post anesthesia care unit)- always the ugliest phase- when it's working it's way out of little bodies it's a lot like a WWE wrestling match. Hitting, scratching, biting, head butting- it took a few of us to keep J in the bed- and finally we went back to his room. It was still ugly there but NOTHING like in the PACU. The IV pissed him off to no end because it was on his thumb sucking hand. Eventually he calmed and fell asleep on me in the chair- he had tolerated some italian ice and a few sips of water. Kiddos have to stay on the floor for at least two hours upon release from the PACU- and once that time frame elapsed and he was still asleep JB went to find a nurse- so we could get that IV out while he was asleep. Apparently I was like the first parent ever to request this and the nurse was all "what a great idea!". IV out, still sleeping. Load into stroller, still sleeping (and I am super grateful I brought the stroller which has been sitting unloved for three years) and out to the car.
Bottom line, while J is still recovering and not feeling great, I am so FLIPPING impressed with the care he received at Mass Eye & Ear.
That said, my eating and exercise routine is in a tailspin- keeping under my calorie count for the day, but the exercise is a fail- and that's totally ok. This week has been about my kiddo and not my fat ass.
Next week, concerns over said fat ass shall resume.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Planning Ahead and Other Failures...
I always try to plan ahead- I like to know where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing WAAAAAY ahead of time. It kind of irritates some of my friends in October of 2016 I am trying to make plans for December of 2017- but then we score the good Polar Express tickets and everyone gets over it. However, with kids, I can't always keep to my plans. And I hate it. And that's ok.
Sometimes things don't work out. I am not spending my day as I anticipated, and I will handle that. I didn't lose another pound I gained one- and that's ok. I have been so super anxious about J's surgery that I slacked off on raw veggie prep- and that impacted my weight loss. And I know that, and guess what? That's ok.
Every day is a new day. For me, today, every veggie I chop and toss in the fridge is a choice- I am choosing to plan for what is going to be a very stressful, non-routine week.
The best I can do is plan for what I know, and be prepared to adjust. And that's ok.
Sometimes things don't work out. I am not spending my day as I anticipated, and I will handle that. I didn't lose another pound I gained one- and that's ok. I have been so super anxious about J's surgery that I slacked off on raw veggie prep- and that impacted my weight loss. And I know that, and guess what? That's ok.
Every day is a new day. For me, today, every veggie I chop and toss in the fridge is a choice- I am choosing to plan for what is going to be a very stressful, non-routine week.
The best I can do is plan for what I know, and be prepared to adjust. And that's ok.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Progress, I Think!
I get frustrated, a lot. And as much as I get frustrated, I'm not turning to food. That in and of itself is a major victory! That's not to say that I didn't thoroughly enjoy a Dove Dark Chocolate egg (or two) today. I sure did! It's stress season- MCAS, my school is having it's Department of Elementary and Secondary Ed review this week, my blinker bulb went out, J has surgery next Tuesday, and it's fucking raining like crazy. Gray and miserable!
I got a new scale today from my bestie, Amazon (make sure to shop through smile and donate to awesome places like PLANNED PARENTHOOD), so I promptly checked it out, and compared it to my old, non digital, crap scale. Bad plan. I was heartbroken. New fancy scale had me seven pounds up from old crap one. I may or may not have cried and gotten really pissed off. Then I sat and used my DBT skills- breathed deeply, recognized what I could observe in my surroundings- and got the fuck over it. Old scale may be off, but the loss remains accurate- even if the old starting weight is seven more pounds- I've still lost twenty pounds since February 19th. And that's epic. For me, weight has been an issue since adolescence. For me to lose 20 pounds in less than two months rocks. I know I will fluctuate, and some days it will be a 16 pound loss, and others 21 pounds. And that is OK.
I am changing my eating. I am changing my routines. I am putting more of a priority on exercise (which is still kind of a miniscule emphasis as the weather sucks and my kids are not so keen on the walks). When I don't walk I am at least attempting online workouts. Way more than I used to do!
My meals are still on point- granted, today was staff breakfast and I couldn't say no to the delicious breakfast pizza- I justified it by saying I would be very careful with the other meals. And then I was confronted with rice and cheese quesadillas. I had two pieces. And then had my super healthy lunch. And then thought I was actually dying due to my body saying "WTF???? Why did you give me all these carbs?". After a lot of burping, I felt fine, but I'm still not into dinner. While I didn't make the best choices today in regards to carbs and the lovely, wonderful dark chocolate- I'll still close out the day under my calorie goal.
That has to be ok for today. I can't beat myself up over it. I'm human and I have cravings and they will not just go away over night. The water consumption for me is key- when I have enough water, I don't struggle as much- but with MCAS, needing to go pee is a problem!
One thing that really helps keep me on track? Cooking. Seems counterintuitive, but for every batch of awesome veggies I make, I feel stronger. Today, it was spaghetti squash and I have curry cauliflower in the oven as we speak. Having healthy stuff at the ready makes it easier. Getting ready to chop like crazy and prep my CILANTRO FREE pico de gallo for the crab salsa. These foods make me happy, and are healthy, so I am excited to prepare them.
And really? Twenty pounds is no joke. I haven't dropped a size (but I can tighten my bra to the most tight option) and I am doing it. And will persist. September 22, 2018 may be far away- but I'm going to use that time to bust ass and be fierce.
I got a new scale today from my bestie, Amazon (make sure to shop through smile and donate to awesome places like PLANNED PARENTHOOD), so I promptly checked it out, and compared it to my old, non digital, crap scale. Bad plan. I was heartbroken. New fancy scale had me seven pounds up from old crap one. I may or may not have cried and gotten really pissed off. Then I sat and used my DBT skills- breathed deeply, recognized what I could observe in my surroundings- and got the fuck over it. Old scale may be off, but the loss remains accurate- even if the old starting weight is seven more pounds- I've still lost twenty pounds since February 19th. And that's epic. For me, weight has been an issue since adolescence. For me to lose 20 pounds in less than two months rocks. I know I will fluctuate, and some days it will be a 16 pound loss, and others 21 pounds. And that is OK.
I am changing my eating. I am changing my routines. I am putting more of a priority on exercise (which is still kind of a miniscule emphasis as the weather sucks and my kids are not so keen on the walks). When I don't walk I am at least attempting online workouts. Way more than I used to do!
My meals are still on point- granted, today was staff breakfast and I couldn't say no to the delicious breakfast pizza- I justified it by saying I would be very careful with the other meals. And then I was confronted with rice and cheese quesadillas. I had two pieces. And then had my super healthy lunch. And then thought I was actually dying due to my body saying "WTF???? Why did you give me all these carbs?". After a lot of burping, I felt fine, but I'm still not into dinner. While I didn't make the best choices today in regards to carbs and the lovely, wonderful dark chocolate- I'll still close out the day under my calorie goal.
That has to be ok for today. I can't beat myself up over it. I'm human and I have cravings and they will not just go away over night. The water consumption for me is key- when I have enough water, I don't struggle as much- but with MCAS, needing to go pee is a problem!
One thing that really helps keep me on track? Cooking. Seems counterintuitive, but for every batch of awesome veggies I make, I feel stronger. Today, it was spaghetti squash and I have curry cauliflower in the oven as we speak. Having healthy stuff at the ready makes it easier. Getting ready to chop like crazy and prep my CILANTRO FREE pico de gallo for the crab salsa. These foods make me happy, and are healthy, so I am excited to prepare them.
And really? Twenty pounds is no joke. I haven't dropped a size (but I can tighten my bra to the most tight option) and I am doing it. And will persist. September 22, 2018 may be far away- but I'm going to use that time to bust ass and be fierce.
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