I saw the sign...

And it opened up my eyes I saw the sign! Aside from the fact that the Ace of Base is so all done in the music world, have you ever felt like that? That the universe was trying to smack you in the head saying "WAKE THE F&*%& UP! I have sent you everything I can!!!" I don't believe in ghosts. I don't believe in a lot of things, but I DO believe in little messages that say "hey, good job, you're getting it"! That's what my last week has been like. From pulling in to do daycare dropoff and having three domesticated bunnies come nibble at your toes (my sister is a rabbit- long story; and J LOVES rabbits). Getting in the car and having the radio play immediately "I Can See Clearly Now" by Johnny Nash, then Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" and then, for the kicker, the Beatles double play- "Blackbird" and "Hey Jude"... followed by a day where everything seems to fall in to place? Those are signs. Looking for a spot for keys and randomly plucking a tin where your long dead grandmother has apparently also hidden keys.  No matter where you are, you recognize them.

And then smack yourself in the forehead going "Why did I wait so freaking long?"

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life...

Never make a pretty woman your wife! That's the song that has been stuck in my head over the past few days. Not clear on why, but it makes me want to watch Mermaids, a movie I haven't thought of in years. "So from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you..." No real words of wisdom there. Happiness has been consuming my thoughts this past week- again, not sure why, but I'm pretty sure that it's because many of my students have been struggling. The end of the year is tough for everyone, but for students that have unsupportive home environments, it's particularly hard. For anyone with depression, finding the joy in everyday life is difficult. That has been brutally clear to me, as I see more and more young people struggling to make it through each day. What makes people happy? How do we find happiness? Is it in single instances that make our hearts' sing? In comfortable silences? I don't have those answers, but it does remind me to find the beauty and joy in simple moments. My kid peed on the potty three times today with NO assistance. That's beautiful. My husband took the boys into the bubble pit at the farm, and loved it. That's beautiful too. My deodorant smells like freaking peppermint patties. Extra beautiful.

But how many of those moments do we need to bring us true happiness?

Damn Ugly Balls

Catchy title, hunh? Well, that's what I am up at 3 am finishing. Some damn ugly oreo balls. Or mint truffles, however you think of them. My boys are moving up. J has had Miss Katie since he was eight months old (he's 20 ish months now) and Miss Frankie since he was 11 months. M has been with Miss Vanessa and Miss Erynn since he was "2.9". You know, that magical age, right before his third birthday. He's nosing 4 pretty much now, so it's been a while. Today's the day. The last day in Wobblers and Preschool. Toddlers and Pre-K are on the horizon. M is excited, but periodically he will cry that he doesn't want to leave Miss Erynn (with YELLOW HAIR MOMMY!) and Miss Vanessa (BROWN!!! It's BROWN!) to go up to Pre-K. He's holding it together because he knows he can peek in the door to Pre-K 2 and see Miss Karen. J is oblivious. He's happy, and lovely, and congested, and just J like. The real issue is me. I dislike change. It sucks. I like what I know, and I love what I know. Not so interested in change, thankyouverymuch. Forget that it means my babies are growing up, or making progress- to me, it's just in the category of unwanted change. Really, isn't that what life is though? Change that we both seek and that which is thrust upon us? Typically for the better? You have to tear up muscles to rebuild them stronger- sand down wood so the connection with paint is better- strip nails of oils to make polish last longer. That's what I feel like tonight. I made the teachers mint truffles, or oreo balls. Easy recipe, but much loved in the halls of CK. Miss Vanessa is a diehard fan who even consumed a few too many right before her wedding. Well ladies, they are some ugly balls tonight. I was straight up ugly crying when I made them thinking about all the things my boys have learned with their precious teachers. Lumpy, miss-shapen. I had to wake up at an ungodly hour and re-temper chocolate because the first batch was a bust. I think they taste better than any other batch though. Perhaps there is a deeper meaning; it's part of a process- we have to have ugly patches to grow stronger.

Or that we shouldn't try to make truffles three days from the end of school whilst ugly-crying.

Who Needs Sleep?

Barenaked Ladies had it right on so many levels! Really, who needs sleep? I DON'T. Which is good, because I'm not getting it. 8:30 to about midnight is wonderful, but then J will start his coughing screaming patches and then I am done. Up, listening to his ragged breathing on the monitor. Tonight I just sat in his room for about an hour watching him breath like Darth Vader. He sounds terrible but his oxygenation levels continue to be fine. It's just an exercise for him to move air past his tonsils and adenoids. We've started a course of antibiotics that he will likely remain on until his surgery. He keeps losing weight- about a half-pound a week. That's a lot when you only clocked in at 21 pounds to start with! I never thought I would be thinking about high-caloric foods for my 19 month old! He's loving the pouches- sucks it right down- the texture is easier for him to get down his throat. I am noticing that he is avoiding foods that require more chewing. Pasta, applesauce, yogurt- his staples. Mr. J LOVES cheese sticks. "Deese" was one of his first words, but right now it's just too hard for him to swallow. He'll chew it for a few moments, and then let it fall from his mouth. That is what is breaking my heart. I know that he will be fine after he recovers from surgery, and will have a long life of "deese", but right now, I just want him to be happy and healthy. I never thought I would be consumed with mitigating his exposure to fragrances, fumes, allergens. Luckily, I'm a Baer. We're fierce, and protect our cubs every step of the way. 

I wouldn't mind if one of those steps included sleeping through the night though- five a.m. comes all too quickly!

Things that rock...

OK I am just brimming with awesomeness tonight. Snort. Not really. I am, however, loving on some of my favorite things. I like making lists so you all can just suffer through my list of "oh my god not sure if you exist but just in case thank you for creating these things",

1. Electrolux Ergorapido. I have the best vacuum ever. It handled CheerioExplosion 2013 with aplomb.
2. My ice pack. It's AMAZING. If I used the phrase "amaze-balls" this would be the time.
3. Cheapo delicious red wine. It's really good and only 17.99 at Weggie's.
4. Blog fabulosity from One Organic Mama.
5. Tomato and roasted garlic jam from yours truly. LOVE.
6. My kids' school. They are freakin' fantastic. Send your kids there. Even if you live in Minnesota.
7. The place that my heart and soul resides, Cape May. You need to go there. LIKE NOW. Get in the car. Go directly to exit zero on the Garden State.
8. Delicious coconut lime candle. It's Ava Anderson, of course, and it DOESN'T GIVE ME A HEADACHE!!! That's huge. More than huge. My kitchen smells yummy and I don't feel sick.
9. The Farm, otherwise known as Davis Farmland. I love it because my kids love it.
10. Um, of course, Rota! Best ice cream. Best meatball sub. Cash only, but that's ok, I love it anyway.
11. Goodness and kindness and love at Kai's Village.
12. My fabulous new perfume, Love. I smell like marshmallows and rainbows, apparently.
13. Volturno Pizza. Obviously. I love them. I love their food. I love their wine. Most importantly, I LOVE THEIR OWNERS.

That's all I have for the night. Theoretically I should go to sleep, but I think I'll vacuum in my beautifully scented kitchen while drinking wine and eating tomato jam, and smelling faintly of marshmallows and rainbows.

Back to selfishness...

So I was raw last night. This morning I am back to selfish old me! Rejoice! No more feelings emanating! Does anyone remember being a wee baby? Probably not- we'd spend too much time in therapy. I know that I used to go on car trips in a playpen in the back of a station wagon. Forget car seats. Now, it's rear facing until at least two, because we just know better. Science and technology have come a long way. Babies sleep on their backs. We don't frolic with asbestos (or maybe you do- but if so, you're on the crazy train!) because we have more information on the dangers that exist. Then there's our household products. I have always HATED bleach because of the smell and the headache I would get. I switched to vinegar based cleansers after I found out my beloved Biokleen wasn't as clean as it pretended to be. I get headaches- scents usually push me over the edge. And then, I discovered that I could have the best of both worlds. Crunchy, happy products that don't send my already airway-compromised toddler into fits (surgery July 17th!) and that smell super yummy. Yes, I have drunk from the fountain of kool aid that is non-toxic personal care products- Ava Anderson. I had a party. I bought stuff. I used stuff. I fell in love with a stripper perfume oil. I wore it for a week. AND I DIDN'T GET A HEADACHE. Sold. In love. J hasn't had a crazy breathing episode. My daycare provider said I smelled like marshmallows and rainbows. That's when I knew- I had to sell this stuff. Mainly because I want MORE and don't want to pay retail. Then I started researching, and found articles like this. Holy shit. I know a ton of wonderful women who have struggled with infertility- to think that body products like sunblock could be affecting them now? CRAY CRAY. So I am officially a crunchy body product junkie. Feel free to love me here and spend your money on lovely pretty yummy things here.

Don't worry. I still drink cheap boxed wine.

Raw me...

OK, so most of the time I'm rather amusing. Sometimes I touch on serious issues. Tonight I'm feeling rather raw, so you might get more of the real me than I usually intend.

I want more babies. Lots of them. I love being pregnant. I love my boys more than anything, but there is always a piece of me desperate for a girl. Yes, I know that if I did have a third the resounding statistics mean I would have a boy. And that would be fine. As more and more of my friends become pregnant (and my joy for them is authentic!) the jealousy grows. I want to be there with them. I enjoyed having parallel pregnancies the first, and second times, so the third? I want to be in that club too. I get angry at the younger me that didn't choose a financially booming field. If I had a fatter paycheck then I could afford to have more babies. If I had started earlier I could have more babies. If I had eaten better, been thinner, been healthier, been smarter, been cuter, been something, then I could have more babies.

It doesn't matter that all of those things probably make no difference. Right now the difference is that I am sad that my kid count will end at two. I just have to reconcile myself to the reality that I have two chances to shape the future for the better. Two chances to raise amazing boys that will one day be fantastic fathers and husbands. I hope I can do that. If I can't, then I have failed on many levels.

Not that a third would change the odds.