One thing ticked off the list...

So, if you follow my blog, you know that I have challenged myself to lose 130 pounds. I'm drinking lots of water- average is between 130-165 ounces a day. Yes, that's safe. Even if I was only awake for ten hours a day, my kidneys can healthily process 300 ounces a day. I'm nowhere near that, so I don't need a lecture on hyponatremia.

After three weeks of a drastically changed diet, I have lost five pounds. I'm not counting the ten I lost of February break. Several people have asked what program I am using- my answer is simple "Ummm, eating less crap?". That's an understatement. I am eating tons of veggies, and lean proteins, and about 60-90g of carbs a day- the crappy processed kind like pretzels, or tortilla chips (I love salsa- have to dip something in it and carrots just don't do it). Keeping an eye on sodium and saturated fats, of course, and sugar. I did really enjoy some watermelon gummy bears yesterday though. I have a bag of Shakeology in my cabinet, and the Pink Drink by Plexus, and some other things around- and haven't used them. I don't know if I will- they kind of scare me.

And that's just it. It's not realistic for me to think that I am never going to have any one food group (carbs!) or treat again. When I go to Ft. Lauderdale, I am going to eat as much crab salsa as I can, and taramosalata, Greek salads, and lots of melitzanosalata. And you know what? I lost ten pounds the last time I was there for five days. Maybe I should eat that stuff MORE.

I'm going to go to Cape May and eat deviled eggs at the Virginia alongside a delicious cocktail. I will surely eat more slices of Louie's Pizza with ricotta and spinach. Lobster is always going to be in my life. I will visit Seafood Sam's on the Cape and thoroughly enjoy my fried food spectacular.

And you know what? That is FINE. The rest of the time I am being very aware of what I put in my body. It's just five pounds, but I'm pretty pleased with myself. I was at a kid birthday party today and yes, I finished my kid's hot dog, and had a handful of popcorn. AND the mama was a smartie pants and had a fabulous veggie platter. I ate a LOT of veggies. I'm going to have a few gals over tonight and wine will be drunk, and I have fresh eggplant dip (no oil, just smoky delicious roasted eggplant blended with garlic), some salsa, and fruit. It will be just as much fun as any other gathering, but a lot healthier.

What is really amazing to me, thus far? The support. From everyone. I always have it from close friends and my family, of course, but people are coming out of the woodwork to help hold me accountable- and I'm grateful, because that is EXACTLY what I need.

So five pounds. 125 to go. I have 552 days!

I'm NOT Broken!

It has been a week since I started tracking all of the things that went into my body- the water (averaging 140 oz a day- above my goal of 135 WOO), the food, the negativity- and while the scale hasn't budged I feel a lot lighter- emotionally lighter.

Things that I have learned this week: (and all recipes will be below)
1. I love turmeric onions. I went through a five pound bag of onions in one week. I put them on everything.
2. My tomato sauce is super low calorie and has no sodium or sugar. And is freaking delicious.
3. I can have an awesome girl's night in with the most delicious dill dip ever made by my new neighbor, who is fantastic and I am so glad she bought Hannah & Pepe's house. The key was using mostly the fresh vegetables to dip in it, and keeping calories way low the rest of the day.
4. Wine has calories. If it's the MOST delicious sangria I have ever had, in the cutest, best designed bottles EVER, every calorie is worth it.
5. I'm not broken, so I'm not going to buy into something that will "fix" me (I heartily dislike that implication, even if whatever program it is focuses on the right things like portion control). Seriously, 19 emails from a variety of companies claiming to be able to "fix" my fat. I don't need glue, kids, I need long term change.
6. Beach Body On Demand does not mean that when you press play you suddenly have a beach body. (c'mon, it said ON DEMAND!)
7. It's too damn cold to go for a walk when it is 12 degrees. Kudos to all the runners I saw out there. Keep on going. Without me.
8. Red egg cookers are adorable and very, very, helpful. It made me the most perfect poached egg this morning, which I thorough enjoyed over a bed of roasted brussel sprouts and eggplant.
9. Be aware when you eat a lot of the red beets. When you use the bathroom you will be fairly sure that you have a tapeworm and are bleeding out.
10. Boobs can glow, given a strong flashlight and some other key things. Don't even ask.

And most importantly, I have surrounded myself with the most incredibly supportive people on the planet. Everyone is asking how they can support me, in real time. I'm grateful, and humbled.

Turmeric Onions

3 sweet onions sliced
1 tbsp olive oil
2-3 tbsp lemon juice
1 tsp cumin
1/4-1//2 tsp turmeric

Mix it all together and saute over medium heat until soft and starting to caramelize. Refrigerate. Delicious on salads, with eggs, with a fork....

Healthy Sauce

2 tiny tomato paste cans (I think 6 oz)
2 medium no salt added tomato sauce cans (I used Hunt's- I think 14 oz or so?)
2 large tomato puree cans
Seasonings of your choice- I add Italian seasoning, lots of garlic powder, lots of onion powder, and sometimes a tiny pinch of dill because I am weird. I have also added a bay leave, and removed before serving. If you are adding salt, that will obviously impact your sodium level.

That's it. Toss it in a stock pot and let simmer.

WOW. Here's an eye opener for ya...

I have been super dedicated this week- got my water in (135 ounces a day, at the least- until today- Sunday may be my kryptonite with water), monitored calories using the My Fitness Pal app, and have not lost an ounce. It's coming, I know it is. I also haven't gained any weight- which brings me to my point. While I didn't get all of my water in today I ate very cleanly- veggies and hard boiled egg for breakfast- grand total of 178 calories. Lunch? Much of the same, add chicken breast, 296 calories. Snack of Cheez-its because hello? Sometimes you need a cheesy crunch and that was 150 calories (I counted them and trusted the box nutritional information!). That's about 650 calories. Based on my current weight, I am "allowed" 1,700 calories a day. So I theoretically have 1,050 calories for dinner.

If I ate that much, I would puke my guts up.

I am looking forward to my Trader Joe's flatbread with ham, gruyere and caramelized onions, don't get me wrong. Add my balsamic glaze (1 tbsp) and that's a whopping 310 calories. Add extra turmeric onions on top- adds 30 calories. So dinner will be 340 calories.

That still leaves me WAY below my goal for the day- and I think that's not ok. I think that may make my body think it's starving. I don't feel hungry, and yet, I still need to provide the appropriate level of nutrients!

This eating healthy shit is hard. I'm confused. I need to get a better handle at incorporating healthy carbs, and lean proteins.

That said, I'm still pretty freaking proud of myself.

People are Good, and Kind. And then there's those other weirdos...

This is really an update on yesterday's blog post. I have received a tremendous amount of support, from all over the world- who knew that people in Thailand were reading my blog? Well, they are. And they send messages. 99% of the feed back I have received has been incredible. And then there is that 1%. "Why are you putting your personal business out there for others to see?" Oh, and "Your issues should be private!".

You know what? I put it out there because I am alone, and yet NOT alone. I am a single mom. I am busting my ass to raise my boys to be good people. I work hard to ensure that my students leave my classroom feeling good about their accomplishments. I have more support from my family than anyone could dream of, and I am ridiculously grateful. I have awesome friends, who are ready and willing to support me- when I actually communicate what I need (my biggest character flaw- I suck at asking for help, but I am getting much better at it). This is a way of me being real, and acknowledging that I DO need support, that I can't do it alone.

I have every privilege than anyone could dream of. I am not worried about providing meals- and trust me, I know how blessed I am. However, what I don't have is accountability. I don't have someone else right alongside me, in the moment, encouraging me to make a healthier choice. There is no one keeping tabs on whether I worked out or didn't. No one is riding in my car when I drive past Wendy's (I drive past other fast food joints, but I don't really like them like I do Wendy's). My doctor, as fantastic as she is, isn't micro managing me (she knows I need to lose weight but is impressed as I am the healthiest fattie she knows [totally my words- she would NEVER use that term]). I know myself, and I know what I need to succeed. I need PRESSURE. And that is why I am being completely transparent about my struggle and my journey. I have worked with students who have Type 1 diabetes, a peanut allergy,  or Celiac's. Everyone is aware, and we work together to support those kiddos to the best of our ability. I am by no means trivializing these conditions- merely saying that there are going to be days, even weeks, where I need similar support.

So yes, I am an over-sharer. And if that over-sharing helps me reach my goals, for my children? Then so be it. I'm a wee bit Machiavellian- the end totally justifies the means....

Well here we go! Are you along for the ride?

It's time. This blog has been with me through divorce, childbirth, exploding toilets, daylight savings times- and all the other bits and bobs.

Now shit is getting real. I am almost 38  39 years old (seriously, I had to think about that). I love food. I love to cook. I love a good glass of wine. I love my kids MORE. I love my family MORE than I love scallops wrapped in bacon. I am not getting younger. My kids are 7 and 5- my little, J, has conductive hearing loss and we are learning sign, and struggling with the anxiety associated with it. Every minute while he is awake and we are home he says "Mama, where are you?" if I am not directly in front of him. He has a great therapist, and we have an amazing team- and he'll be having more surgery in a few weeks, which should return hearing in both ears to a mild loss. Still, he needs me, in an heartwrenching way. I went to bathroom today and failed to tap him on the shoulder, and say "mommy is going to pee"- the tears and epic meltdown took twenty minutes to manage, as opposed to the 30 seconds it took me to pee.

That said, I'm almost 39. I am fat. I have had gastric bypass. Not a lot of people know that. It was in 2005 and I lost 100 pounds. Then I met a man, got married, got pregnant, gained 90 pounds. Had baby M. Lost 50. Moved. Got pregnant. Gained 20 pounds. Had baby J.  Lost 10 pounds. Got divorced, thus losing multiple emotional pounds. Joined the PTO. Focused on raising two boys solo. Took amazing steps with my career. Started coaching soccer. Lost myself. Became so paranoid about dying I have had 5 EKG's in three months (all totally normal). While this fear is helping me meet my deductible, every twinge I feel in my arm or jaw is not me having a heart attack, but a manifestation of my anxiety. However, if I don't make really significant changes, my kids could be waking up next to my cold, dead, body. Yes, That's horrible to say. It's something no mom wants for her kids. And I refuse to let that happen.

Now, it's my time. I'm going to use foul language here, so if your five year old is extremely precocious and can read, tell them to go fuck off for a second. Oops. Already dropped an eff bomb.

I am NOT GIVING AWAY MY SHOT (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda)! This is MY DAY. This is MY CHOICE. And yes, I am choosing rabbit food. Today for lunch I had celery, tomatoes, onions, red pepper, carrots, and chicken breast. And you know what? It tasted kind of crappy- but then I thought of the fight I am choosing to engage in, and it tasted like VICTORY. If you want far yummier food to achieve your victory, go check out Foodie Fiasco's blog. This gal is a freaking teenager and has recreated all of the yummies to fit Paleo, gluten free, vegan diets. There are brownie recipes there people!

I WILL KICK FAT'S ASS. As opposed to being a fat ass. Totally different things.

I am not fucking around this time. Over the past week I did a "water challenge"- the point is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. I called my doctor, I made sure this was safe because as a fattie, that's a shit ton of water. She loved the idea and encouraged me to do it. Not only did I meet my daily goal, I blew that goal out of the water (giggle, and water connection intended). And I got results! I didn't want crap food. My blood pressure is better than it has been since pre-baby M. My pulse is a lovely 65. My rosacea is way less boiled lobster and more slightly flushed. My hair even looks better in an "I need a haircut and my color is from a box but it's clean" kind of way. I didn't lose an ounce. Instead, I gained a clear vision of what I want from my body, for my body, and for my kids.

I will lose 130 pounds by September 22, 2018. That's my 40th birthday.

Do you hear me world? I WILL DO THIS. Going to blow it out of the park, which is apparently a synonym for kicking ass- not a sports gal! Watch out peeps, I'm going to persist.

Wahoo for Blogging!

Occasionally people will ask me for a recipe, or what not, that I am sure I have...and then I start hunting. And then I remember I have a blog. I can usually find exactly which post I talked about whatever in, and can share it.

That's lame though- I need a better way to keep track! I have files on my computer, and recipes jotted in notebooks, and craft orders in another notebook, and thoughts about J's hearing loss in another. I need a better way to be organized. I haven't figured it out though. I'm still pretty old school with pen to paper note taking- I was lucky enough to find an amazing advocate to help me negotiate J's IEP. I'm totally on the ball with special ed, but not so much when it comes to hearing loss- I am at a 'loss' there. This woman is incredible, and I am so damn lucky to be working with her. The district may not know what hit them, but I'm a mama bear- never underestimate the lengths I will go to in order to advocate for my kids.

This week will bring about a new president. I didn't capitalize for a reason, as he's not my president, and never will be. I'm waiting for that dark black cloud to descend upon the world at noon on January 20th.

Aside from that, the new year is bringing new recipes, new vigor for life, and a new approach to purging crap from my house- if I don't need it, it's free, come and get it. Ironically I wanted to ditch all of my wedding crystal, and a neighbor had the same style and had broken hers- she picked it all up today and I was thrilled. Lamps are also a hot commodity- along with the bathroom renovations I finally had recessed lighting put into the family and dining rooms, as well as overhead lighting in all of the bedrooms, so what the heck do I need with all of those standing lamps? I can't get rid of puzzles and DVD's for anything, but lamps??? It was fast!

I'm just running my mouth at the moment, and have nothing spectacular or earth shattering to share. However, I will share the prayer that caught my heart from church this morning...

In times of light and times of darkness
May this small flame
Kindle what is good
In us and in the world.
         -Sarah Gibb Millspaugh

Oh, yeah, I forgot I had a blog!!!

File under DUH. I have a blog! One I rather enjoy and has provided me with an outlet over the past few years. And I totally forgot about it. Was hunting down my West African Peanut Stew recipe this evening, and knew I had shared/posted it SOMEWHERE. Nowhere to be seen in FB land, then DING!!! Must be on my blog!

Well, it isn't. Please spam me with peanut stew recipes. You know what is though?? Thirteen posts all entitled "Food, Glorious Food!". Clearly, I like food. A lot. As I was rereading them I was struck by how much my life has changed- I still love to cook, and to do so for others is amazing. However, TIME. I don't have much time- dinners are still 75% homemade, and if we could consider the Uncle Ben's rice pouches as home cooking, it's all me, baby! I don't do cakes anymore unless it's for an auction, and I only do freezer fill caterings...I miss it but, um, no TIME!

My kids are bigger. They do STUFF. Like soccer, and cub scouts, and GASP- go to friend's houses WITHOUT THEIR MOTHER. Super thankful for that, because over the past year I have taken on a lot more at work- well worth it, but there's no way it's all getting done between 7:30 and 2:30!! Professionally, I'm happy as a clam. Personally, well, it's September. We're still adjusting to new routines and what not, and I have to re-establish myself as the alpha dog. Summer has a lot of "Sure! Sounds great!" coming out of my mouth- September?? "No, we will not be sleeping in the backyard, it's a school night. We use walking feet and a quiet voice in church. Bathing suits are not appropriate for a) school, b) church, or c) sleeping." Mean mom has returned. No more sitting by the surf, listening to the waves roll in while my children frolic blissfully without actually killing each other in the sand. Bedtime has had to get a wee bit later on soccer nights, and once a month M has pack meetings which end at 8 PM!!!! I know right??? That's like MIDNIGHT! Other than that, it's "Oh hiiiii it's 6:30 pm time for bed!"

So I'm going to attempt to blog again...because hell, I feel like y'all missed me. Snort.