WOW. Here's an eye opener for ya...

I have been super dedicated this week- got my water in (135 ounces a day, at the least- until today- Sunday may be my kryptonite with water), monitored calories using the My Fitness Pal app, and have not lost an ounce. It's coming, I know it is. I also haven't gained any weight- which brings me to my point. While I didn't get all of my water in today I ate very cleanly- veggies and hard boiled egg for breakfast- grand total of 178 calories. Lunch? Much of the same, add chicken breast, 296 calories. Snack of Cheez-its because hello? Sometimes you need a cheesy crunch and that was 150 calories (I counted them and trusted the box nutritional information!). That's about 650 calories. Based on my current weight, I am "allowed" 1,700 calories a day. So I theoretically have 1,050 calories for dinner.

If I ate that much, I would puke my guts up.

I am looking forward to my Trader Joe's flatbread with ham, gruyere and caramelized onions, don't get me wrong. Add my balsamic glaze (1 tbsp) and that's a whopping 310 calories. Add extra turmeric onions on top- adds 30 calories. So dinner will be 340 calories.

That still leaves me WAY below my goal for the day- and I think that's not ok. I think that may make my body think it's starving. I don't feel hungry, and yet, I still need to provide the appropriate level of nutrients!

This eating healthy shit is hard. I'm confused. I need to get a better handle at incorporating healthy carbs, and lean proteins.

That said, I'm still pretty freaking proud of myself.

People are Good, and Kind. And then there's those other weirdos...

This is really an update on yesterday's blog post. I have received a tremendous amount of support, from all over the world- who knew that people in Thailand were reading my blog? Well, they are. And they send messages. 99% of the feed back I have received has been incredible. And then there is that 1%. "Why are you putting your personal business out there for others to see?" Oh, and "Your issues should be private!".

You know what? I put it out there because I am alone, and yet NOT alone. I am a single mom. I am busting my ass to raise my boys to be good people. I work hard to ensure that my students leave my classroom feeling good about their accomplishments. I have more support from my family than anyone could dream of, and I am ridiculously grateful. I have awesome friends, who are ready and willing to support me- when I actually communicate what I need (my biggest character flaw- I suck at asking for help, but I am getting much better at it). This is a way of me being real, and acknowledging that I DO need support, that I can't do it alone.

I have every privilege than anyone could dream of. I am not worried about providing meals- and trust me, I know how blessed I am. However, what I don't have is accountability. I don't have someone else right alongside me, in the moment, encouraging me to make a healthier choice. There is no one keeping tabs on whether I worked out or didn't. No one is riding in my car when I drive past Wendy's (I drive past other fast food joints, but I don't really like them like I do Wendy's). My doctor, as fantastic as she is, isn't micro managing me (she knows I need to lose weight but is impressed as I am the healthiest fattie she knows [totally my words- she would NEVER use that term]). I know myself, and I know what I need to succeed. I need PRESSURE. And that is why I am being completely transparent about my struggle and my journey. I have worked with students who have Type 1 diabetes, a peanut allergy,  or Celiac's. Everyone is aware, and we work together to support those kiddos to the best of our ability. I am by no means trivializing these conditions- merely saying that there are going to be days, even weeks, where I need similar support.

So yes, I am an over-sharer. And if that over-sharing helps me reach my goals, for my children? Then so be it. I'm a wee bit Machiavellian- the end totally justifies the means....

Well here we go! Are you along for the ride?

It's time. This blog has been with me through divorce, childbirth, exploding toilets, daylight savings times- and all the other bits and bobs.

Now shit is getting real. I am almost 38  39 years old (seriously, I had to think about that). I love food. I love to cook. I love a good glass of wine. I love my kids MORE. I love my family MORE than I love scallops wrapped in bacon. I am not getting younger. My kids are 7 and 5- my little, J, has conductive hearing loss and we are learning sign, and struggling with the anxiety associated with it. Every minute while he is awake and we are home he says "Mama, where are you?" if I am not directly in front of him. He has a great therapist, and we have an amazing team- and he'll be having more surgery in a few weeks, which should return hearing in both ears to a mild loss. Still, he needs me, in an heartwrenching way. I went to bathroom today and failed to tap him on the shoulder, and say "mommy is going to pee"- the tears and epic meltdown took twenty minutes to manage, as opposed to the 30 seconds it took me to pee.

That said, I'm almost 39. I am fat. I have had gastric bypass. Not a lot of people know that. It was in 2005 and I lost 100 pounds. Then I met a man, got married, got pregnant, gained 90 pounds. Had baby M. Lost 50. Moved. Got pregnant. Gained 20 pounds. Had baby J.  Lost 10 pounds. Got divorced, thus losing multiple emotional pounds. Joined the PTO. Focused on raising two boys solo. Took amazing steps with my career. Started coaching soccer. Lost myself. Became so paranoid about dying I have had 5 EKG's in three months (all totally normal). While this fear is helping me meet my deductible, every twinge I feel in my arm or jaw is not me having a heart attack, but a manifestation of my anxiety. However, if I don't make really significant changes, my kids could be waking up next to my cold, dead, body. Yes, That's horrible to say. It's something no mom wants for her kids. And I refuse to let that happen.

Now, it's my time. I'm going to use foul language here, so if your five year old is extremely precocious and can read, tell them to go fuck off for a second. Oops. Already dropped an eff bomb.

I am NOT GIVING AWAY MY SHOT (thanks Lin-Manuel Miranda)! This is MY DAY. This is MY CHOICE. And yes, I am choosing rabbit food. Today for lunch I had celery, tomatoes, onions, red pepper, carrots, and chicken breast. And you know what? It tasted kind of crappy- but then I thought of the fight I am choosing to engage in, and it tasted like VICTORY. If you want far yummier food to achieve your victory, go check out Foodie Fiasco's blog. This gal is a freaking teenager and has recreated all of the yummies to fit Paleo, gluten free, vegan diets. There are brownie recipes there people!

I WILL KICK FAT'S ASS. As opposed to being a fat ass. Totally different things.

I am not fucking around this time. Over the past week I did a "water challenge"- the point is to drink half your body weight in ounces of water. I called my doctor, I made sure this was safe because as a fattie, that's a shit ton of water. She loved the idea and encouraged me to do it. Not only did I meet my daily goal, I blew that goal out of the water (giggle, and water connection intended). And I got results! I didn't want crap food. My blood pressure is better than it has been since pre-baby M. My pulse is a lovely 65. My rosacea is way less boiled lobster and more slightly flushed. My hair even looks better in an "I need a haircut and my color is from a box but it's clean" kind of way. I didn't lose an ounce. Instead, I gained a clear vision of what I want from my body, for my body, and for my kids.

I will lose 130 pounds by September 22, 2018. That's my 40th birthday.

Do you hear me world? I WILL DO THIS. Going to blow it out of the park, which is apparently a synonym for kicking ass- not a sports gal! Watch out peeps, I'm going to persist.

Wahoo for Blogging!

Occasionally people will ask me for a recipe, or what not, that I am sure I have...and then I start hunting. And then I remember I have a blog. I can usually find exactly which post I talked about whatever in, and can share it.

That's lame though- I need a better way to keep track! I have files on my computer, and recipes jotted in notebooks, and craft orders in another notebook, and thoughts about J's hearing loss in another. I need a better way to be organized. I haven't figured it out though. I'm still pretty old school with pen to paper note taking- I was lucky enough to find an amazing advocate to help me negotiate J's IEP. I'm totally on the ball with special ed, but not so much when it comes to hearing loss- I am at a 'loss' there. This woman is incredible, and I am so damn lucky to be working with her. The district may not know what hit them, but I'm a mama bear- never underestimate the lengths I will go to in order to advocate for my kids.

This week will bring about a new president. I didn't capitalize for a reason, as he's not my president, and never will be. I'm waiting for that dark black cloud to descend upon the world at noon on January 20th.

Aside from that, the new year is bringing new recipes, new vigor for life, and a new approach to purging crap from my house- if I don't need it, it's free, come and get it. Ironically I wanted to ditch all of my wedding crystal, and a neighbor had the same style and had broken hers- she picked it all up today and I was thrilled. Lamps are also a hot commodity- along with the bathroom renovations I finally had recessed lighting put into the family and dining rooms, as well as overhead lighting in all of the bedrooms, so what the heck do I need with all of those standing lamps? I can't get rid of puzzles and DVD's for anything, but lamps??? It was fast!

I'm just running my mouth at the moment, and have nothing spectacular or earth shattering to share. However, I will share the prayer that caught my heart from church this morning...

In times of light and times of darkness
May this small flame
Kindle what is good
In us and in the world.
         -Sarah Gibb Millspaugh

Oh, yeah, I forgot I had a blog!!!

File under DUH. I have a blog! One I rather enjoy and has provided me with an outlet over the past few years. And I totally forgot about it. Was hunting down my West African Peanut Stew recipe this evening, and knew I had shared/posted it SOMEWHERE. Nowhere to be seen in FB land, then DING!!! Must be on my blog!

Well, it isn't. Please spam me with peanut stew recipes. You know what is though?? Thirteen posts all entitled "Food, Glorious Food!". Clearly, I like food. A lot. As I was rereading them I was struck by how much my life has changed- I still love to cook, and to do so for others is amazing. However, TIME. I don't have much time- dinners are still 75% homemade, and if we could consider the Uncle Ben's rice pouches as home cooking, it's all me, baby! I don't do cakes anymore unless it's for an auction, and I only do freezer fill caterings...I miss it but, um, no TIME!

My kids are bigger. They do STUFF. Like soccer, and cub scouts, and GASP- go to friend's houses WITHOUT THEIR MOTHER. Super thankful for that, because over the past year I have taken on a lot more at work- well worth it, but there's no way it's all getting done between 7:30 and 2:30!! Professionally, I'm happy as a clam. Personally, well, it's September. We're still adjusting to new routines and what not, and I have to re-establish myself as the alpha dog. Summer has a lot of "Sure! Sounds great!" coming out of my mouth- September?? "No, we will not be sleeping in the backyard, it's a school night. We use walking feet and a quiet voice in church. Bathing suits are not appropriate for a) school, b) church, or c) sleeping." Mean mom has returned. No more sitting by the surf, listening to the waves roll in while my children frolic blissfully without actually killing each other in the sand. Bedtime has had to get a wee bit later on soccer nights, and once a month M has pack meetings which end at 8 PM!!!! I know right??? That's like MIDNIGHT! Other than that, it's "Oh hiiiii it's 6:30 pm time for bed!"

So I'm going to attempt to blog again...because hell, I feel like y'all missed me. Snort.

Food! Glorious Food!

It's rather appropriate that I am costuming Oliver! right now because it's April break week for me... and that means that I can be a lady that lunches. My boys are with their dad this week every year, which absolutely slays me, but they have a really good time. I get time to spend with friends, and this year, hang out backstage listening to endless runs of "Food, Glorious Food".  Today I FINALLY got to try the new French bistro in my little town, C'est La Vie. They've been doing some private functions and a long soft open, and the moment finally arrived- I GOT TO EAT THERE.

First of all, the decor. Funky, French, colorful, creative- it's just gorgeous. In a restored stately home, the floors shine, the architectural details standout- the time spent bringing everything back to it's original splendor, and then amped up a notch with color and fantastic art installations everywhere you look.

I actually could have taken probably twenty more photos- every where I turned there was a fantastic display, or creative seating arrangement. Our table itself was a work of art- a collage of French images, clippings, recipes and vintage art, covered in a thick epoxy resin. It's as fabulous as it sounds. I was in heaven before food even hit our table.

The menu is fairly extensive for a small bistro- multiple breakfast offerings including stuffed French toast, crepes, pancakes, open faced sandwiches, quiche, soups, salads- their hearty use of duck made my taste buds all a twitter!

I was dining with two of my foodie pals, and we just threw caution to the wind and ordered several dishes. The thing that S and I had been ogling and waiting for was the Croque Madame- "a fancy-schmancy grilled cheese- french bread, house blend cheese, country ham, gruyere, melted bechamel- topped with a sunny side up egg". It was every  bit as decadent and delicious as it sounds. The weeks of waiting were well worth it!

We also had crispy brussel sprouts with apple and crispy prosciutto, gougeres with pork belly, manchego and pear (gluten free thus extremely healthy), duck hash browns, and the crepes Florentine- spinach, mushrooms, and hollandaise sauce. It was all delicious. The only criticism I could find was that one tiny bite of brussel sprout was slightly undercooked.

Now remember, there were three of us eating all of this yumminess, so of course there was room for dessert. For a few moments we considered getting three desserts, but settled on just two. The chocolate pot-de-creme was, um, like wow. WOW. Incredibly decadent. Perfect texture, rich flavor.

We tried that first, and were blown away. Then we dug into our waffle ice cream sandwich, a towering thing of beauty. By the time I realized I hadn't taken a picture however, we had already toppled it ready to dig in. 

Waffles had the perfect caramelization, but were still chewy on the inside- the ice cream was made in house, and reminded me of a caramel/brown sugar flavor. It was topped with fresh whipped cream, a blackberry reduction, and house made caramel. It. Was. Delectable. I am not even a sweets person and I couldn't help but make nom-nom noises. 

I can't say enough good things about C'est La Vie. It's incredibly tasty, fresh, and affordable food served in a stunning setting. I can't wait to take friends and family there, and show off what our local food scene has to offer. A great lunch, and in true foodie fashion- when we were done, it was "BOOM! SPOON-drop" as opposed to "BOOM! Mic-drop."

Go eat there. And invite me. I'll order the Croque Madame and make nom-nom noises whilst you discover the deliciousness for yourselves!

Turn towards the light...

No, this post isn't about death...it's about the things that make us feel whole. I used to do a lot of theater. Most of my experience is now backstage- I have been a stage manager, costumer, prop mistress, set painter (ohhhh the Lughnasa rocks! LOVED THEM!), hair and makeup coordinator, director, tech director- the only thing I haven't done is music direct, because frankly, I can't play the freaking piano. I took lessons as a kid, and my mom encouraged me to NOT quit, but it my middle school horribleness, I did. Now I completely regret it and yet again, my mom was right. I know, big shock. Mamas usually are!  I even ran fly systems and (very poorly) ran light boards. I also was in a ton of shows- a bleating sheep in Godspell, and more than a few in the "dance ensemble", a few turns as Agravane, Winnifred, and of course Hannigan- I'm a character actress, surely. No ingenue roles for me. I'll never trip the light fantastic as a Marian Paroo, and that's fine with me! I always preferred the antics of Eulalie anyway. "One Grecian urn. Two Grecian Urns..." Yeah, those are my people. I even played every female role in the "Wizard of Oz" when I decided my students in an all boys' residential program should do theater. It was so much fun, and I am pretty sure I was horrible. Everyone clapped at the "pretend" curtain (we were in the gym, so give me a break- and whether they clapped because it was over, I'll never know), so I'll take it.

It's been years though. Too many years, since I have been listed in a program. That was my choice. I chose to have babies, and dedicate myself to raising them. I chose lots and lots of diaper changes, and rocking, and reading, and snuggling. I would trade it for absolutely nothing. My last full season was the summer of 2008- Bat Boy, Suessical, and Thoroughly Modern Millie. When I teched Chorus Line the following summer, I was pregnant with Miles. I love the pictures I have in my all black wardrobe, heavily pregnant, ready to turn mirrors. The following summer I helped with some makeup, but with a crawling baby, who has straight up peed in the lobby of the Eleanor Casey Welch Theater at Regis (I seriously didn't realize that swim diapers didn't hold pee- and I had run out of regular ones!) I knew I was done for the time being.

It's finally time for me to start tiptoeing back into the theater. I was offered a wonderful opportunity to costume a production of Aladdin, which happened to fall on a weekend I could really do it. Four casts, lots and lots of kids. Many of them are little- in another year, Miles could be one of them. They're kind of awesome. Today was load in day, and as I walked across the stage returning to my costume corner, the lights came up. Instinctively, I turned toward the light. As a former actor, you always turn towards the light- whether it's your cue doesn't matter- just turn towards the light. For a split second my brain was cycling through every show I have ever done- either performing, or being a tech person- Secret Garden, Wizard of Oz, Tales of Trickery, Stories Gone Wilde, Fiddler, Annie, Godspell, Music Man, Children of Eden, Songs from a New World, Once on This Island, Dancing at Lughnasa, Twelfth Night, Blithe Spirit, West Side Story,  Joseph, countless one acts- it was as if I had never left. They're a huge piece of my past, and hopefully, big pieces of my future.

Turn towards the light- find your joy. Make it work, and enjoy every moment.